


Mission Reports

by Robin_Mask



Category: Naruto
Genre: Depression, Explicit Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Male Slash, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-24
Updated: 2009-04-29
Packaged: 2018-02-25 00:34:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 25,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2602082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robin_Mask/pseuds/Robin_Mask
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was always one excuse after another with Kakashi, and he'd be damned if he took it anymore! But - this couldn't be more than just another excuse . . . could it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

** Chapter One **

 

‘I want to kill myself.’

 

He didn’t know where the thought had come from. It was so sudden, so abrupt, such a jolt to his senses that his mind upon thinking those very words had shut down, withdrawn itself into a state of shock. It wasn’t that he’d never felt that way, in fact the urge to end his own life came often in the darker hours of Shinobi life, but never had the thought or desire been so strong and clear. It was if – it was as if it were someone else’s voice in his head, someone else saying those words strongly to him with such a sense of command. There was no hesitation to the thought, no wondering, just a clear intent without the slightest grain of fear attached. When had he let it get this far? Just when had he allowed himself to think suicide was the answer? Yet the more he pondered those fearful thoughts the more they plagued him, his conscience crying out and clashing with his mind, wondering whether he needed to seek help or just act on his baser instincts and end it all now . . .

 

It was strange how one thought could have his heart pounding in a whole new way to the heat of battle, how the adrenaline through him felt so sedated than what he was used to but still was as potent as ever. His mind had shut down at some point as those words took over him and it’d made his senses all the sharper. That iron-like taste in his mouth now became like blood, the noise of the Chunin in the mission office like a drumming thunder in his ears and his body – his body felt numb, his fingertips cold and his lips dry. It was a new kind of fear. It wasn’t a fight for survival or a desire to run, it was simply a heavy acceptance, an acknowledgement that something horrible was coming. There was fear but it was muted for a reason, it was inevitable and this time he couldn’t fight it, he’d just have to accept it. He couldn’t fight this. He had to die.

 

He’d always imagined the moment one decided to take their life would be all the more poignant than what he felt now. Wasn’t there meant to be an immense sense of relief that all one’s pain would finally be gone, a sense that all was right in the world now you wouldn’t be making it a worse a place to be? So why was it all he felt was numb. That same numb feeling he’d felt so many times in the past. It was the feeling he’d felt realising he’d caused Obito’s death, it was the feeling he’d felt knowing nothing he could do would stop Sasuke from leaving, that feeling that overwhelmed him when Itachi had left him comatose for so long all because he’d made a foolish error in judgement . . . It was an empty feeling, knowing something inside him was missing and couldn’t be filled. He’d tried of course – of course he’d tried – filling it with rigid rules and order when his own father had died, filled it with an appreciation for life when Obito died, and he’d even tried to fill that void with books and smiles, trying to be that person that everyone could like. He’d tried so many things, became so many people, that he wasn’t even sure who he was anymore. Just who was Kakashi Hatake? Was he the lazy, always late teacher who’d rather read than pay attention, the serious and controlled man who could win almost any battle, or that small boy that had died so many years ago when everyone he knew left him in ways he’d rather not remember? Perhaps there was no such man as Kakashi. He felt empty, maybe he was empty, and maybe there simply wasn’t anything to him anymore except an empty shell and empty being with empty thoughts.

 

Yet – yet he didn’t want to die, not really. There was that glimmer of hope that wouldn’t leave, the thoughts of a future that as much as he wanted he knew he’d never have, but knowing – just knowing! – that there was nothing for him just made that despair all the worse. It didn’t matter what he wanted because he’d never get it. He’d see more people leave him, watch more suffer, be a tool for the village to use to its disposal, his life would never be anything more than what it was and it was a hard fate to bear. It was like holding the world on one’s shoulders and simply praying someone else would help lighten the load, but when he’d lost all those closest to him who could he turn to? There was Gai he supposed, and Tenzo, but how long until they left too? He’d already came to rely on them for so much . . . 

 

Perhaps it was time to end it after all.

 

Sighing he looked his mission report over one last time before leaning forward to glance into the mission room, the place seemed slightly more busy than usual and with a few Jounin lounging about too, the desk itself was manned by three people but Kakashi could only recognise two of them. One man to the far left was a low-ranked Shinobi on desk duty pretty much full time, he was always eager to hear the latest information and details on high-ranked missions (which never helped Kakashi’s tardiness) and the other man was of course Iruka-sensei.

 

He had to smile at that. Sometimes he wondered if the younger Chunin ever had any free time to himself, he always seemed to be teaching at the school and when he wasn’t he seemed permanently attached to the mission desk, and admittedly sometimes the ramen bar. It was admirable that he was so attached to his students and dedicated to his work, he was an excellent Shinobi and it was no wonder so many students looked up to him, but it was nice to think that perhaps he got some time off to relax, he did deserve it after all. However as much as he admired and respected the man there was a slight element of fear there too, not that he’d ever admit that aloud of course, but each time Iruka tried to take control from him – such as when he put forth Team Seven for the exams – he was always forced to put the other in his place so to speak, and all that did was cause the other further dislike for him, and of course there was the matter of nothing that Kakashi did was ever considered right. It was strange how he always both loathed and loved seeing the Chunin; he loved seeing the man he liked so dearly, but hated the fact that said man probably held nothing but distaste for him. It was like a catch twenty-two, but there was nothing he could do to prevent such a matter, after all he couldn’t avoid Iruka and had to face him sometimes such as now.

 

Running a gloved hand through his dew-soaked hair he gathered all his strength as a Jounin Shinobi and drew in a deep breath, feeling the soft droplets of water moisten his hand and remind him of just how life moved on in the world despite his inner feelings. The cool touch of liquid on skin was refreshing almost, but the way his uniform clung to him like a second-skin – still soaked with rainwater that never seemed to evaporate – only dragged him down further into his despair, making his body cold and reminding him of how cruel the elements could be.

 

With a slow breath he strode into the mission room and headed straight for Iruka’s desk. The other two Chunin at the desk were already packing their belongings and heading away, the Jounin left in the room slowly filtering out realising that their temporary shelter was closing down for the night. It looked like the mission desk was closing for the night; sometimes they worked all the way through, which had been what he was hoping for as it would have made avoiding Iruka so much easier, but as it was only the teacher was left finishing a few odd papers and as his report was due in tomorrow morning at the latest . . . it looked like he had no other choice.

 

The windows outside reflected nothing but shimmering, ghostly images of buildings old and young with fleeting whispers of the few Shinobi below not yet home from the day’s struggles. On the glass held the image of a thousand stars, the silvery light of the moon breaching the window to shine a incandescent sparkle on Iruka’s cheek, and now – with the emptied mission room – all that could be heard was the eerie yet lively music of rain pattering down on the earth below. The room seemed cast in shadow with Kakashi wandering through with such ease he felt at home, as if these shadows on the rain-filled night were the only companions he belonged to, and by the time he reached Iruka it seemed as if he’d broken into the world of the beautiful and living, a world to which he did not belong.

 

“My, my! Is that the time?” Kakashi said with a nervous smile, one he knew wouldn’t be seen but hopefully the faded and faked happiness would show nonetheless, “I’m sorry but I didn’t realise I was so late, you see I spent my last change buying Naruto-kun ramen and public transport costs so much these days!”

 

“Your excuses get more pathetic each time, Kakashi-san.”

 

“Well, nonetheless I have unfinished business to attend to, could you . . . be quick? Please?”

 

“Kakashi, I am not accepting that report!”

 

With an obvious frown Kakashi cast a disappointed look at the papers in his hand; his right eye half-lidded with the effort to keep awake and conscious to his goings-on, desperate to close his eyes to the world and hide his pain, but as he looked they seemed fine and considering how the desk was still technically open he didn’t see a problem. He’d tried so hard to get it done properly and on time, every last needed detail was there and here he was near enough when he should be, and yet – as usual – something was wrong and he couldn’t figure out quite what.

 

He never had a problem on missions. He could kill who needed to be killed, retrieve what was needed, scan areas and gain information and generally do any task required of him with an expertise many envied, and yet when it came to these basic human interactions he failed . . . He knew Iruka was angry, he could tell by that cute little pout and the way his cheeks flushed so adorably, and his chocolate brown eyes were narrowed into a deep glare that furrowed the skin above his nose. The younger man had even stood up tall and after shuffling papers unnecessarily crossed his arms, looking at Kakashi as if he were nothing more than a petulant student or obnoxious Genin. Had he really done something wrong again?

 

“Oh?” Kakashi replied lamely.

 

“No! It’s positively soaking wet, I can’t possibly accept that – that – that _thing_! And what Jounin comes into the mission room dressed like that, it’ll take days to clean up all the mud and – and . . . is that _blood,_ Kakashi? You’re supposed to be setting an example for your students, not teaching them to disrespect the mission room by turning up late with soaked reports and dripping all kinds of grime! I expect better than this Kakashi!”

 

“I didn’t have long to write the report,” he replied sadly. “By the time I got back from mission and realised the report was due I had barely ten minutes to write it, I was in such a rush to get it in on time that I had to write it out in the rain.”

 

“Excuses. I know you got back this morning around daybreak.”

 

As hard as it was to believe he hadn’t given an excuse that time, he’d genuinely told the truth, but given his track record with wild lies and reasoning he hadn’t really expected Iruka to believe him, and he certainly wasn’t going to reveal the _full_ truth.

 

He had gotten back at daybreak – he wouldn’t deny that – but the moment he came back he’d went straight to the memorial stone, the mission had been brutal and his already weak mindset had been weakened further by the process, he’d gone to ask for advice from Minato and apologise to Obito, he’d needed time to meditate for Rin and beg that he’d be strong enough to fight the path of the White Fang. Yet how could he tell Iruka that? He didn’t want to appear any weaker than he was and he couldn’t let the other feel any less towards him than he already did, but most of all he couldn’t open up to one more person only to have it all thrown back at him. He couldn’t bring himself to trust another person with something so vitally important to his existence, with the experiences that defined him as a person and whose memories haunted him to this day, and if by hiding that side of him Iruka hated him then maybe that was just the way things were meant to be?

 

Yet Iruka was a good man. He was a kind Shinobi who had infinite patience for those around him and who cared deeply about those closest to him, he wasn’t a man to turn his back on those in need no matter who they were, and even if he shouldn’t, even if Shinobi should show no emotion, he felt a deep love for this man and felt as though by simply not sharing some part of him he was doing more harm than good. True his life was worthless, he knew he could not be with Iruka, and in fact by simply being near Iruka he was tainting the other and turning him into something rotten with his presence alone, but Iruka gave him some sort of hope, of pleasure, and even if it was selfish he wanted to believe that the other could help him in some way and bring him through this. He wanted to believe he wasn’t a bad person for simply being here; here, the mission room, the village, alive . . .

 

“Iruka-sensei -?”

 

“Save it, Kakashi.” Iruka snapped. He moved out of the room with such speed that Kakashi was left standing stunned and alone by the desk, standing alone in darkness as Iruka turned out the last and only light left. “I don’t care if it’s late in, I’m not accepting another half-assed report. You’ll just have to come in early tomorrow with the actual report, won’t you?” Kakashi gazed lazily at the paper, what he was looking at he never knew because he never saw the paper, not really and nor did he see anything else. “I’m sorry Kakashi-san but that’s that, I really don’t care what else you have to say about the matter. Goodnight.”

 

Kakashi waited until Iruka had left before releasing a sigh he hadn’t even knew he’d been holding. The room was now cast in a blanket of darkness with only the distant light of the moon shining through; he knew many found the moon a comfort, a light always there and always guiding through the tough times, but he found it nothing but menacing, a being that always overlooked the bad times and gloated over you as you suffered. He remembered the way it shone upon his father’s blood that night and wondered if it would shine on his own the same way too. He had nothing. He was alone in a mission room with a wet report and only the memories of two Water Ninja dying just the day before, his life was meaningless now Team Seven were off with various new mentors and what had he in general to show for his life? Even Iruka had given up on him and Iruka never gave up on anyone, Iruka was always the constant in everyone’s lives, and now Iruka couldn’t care less and – to be honest – neither could Kakashi.

 

With one last gaze on his report he gave a soft smile no one would ever see and realised he knew now what he had to do. If he had nothing to live for then there would be no point in living at all, would there? His pupils wouldn’t even notice his death, his friends would move on with their lives, his family were all gone and it wasn’t as if they had even cared to begin with – all he had were his missions and what good was he for them? He’d been useless these past few years, he should never have fell to Itachi and never have let the Fourth die; he was useless.

 

No, he knew what he had to do and he’d do it, he had to do it for the good of the village, he had no other choice. Carefully he laid down his report upon Iruka’s desk and felt for the first time a sense of utmost relief, the weight finally off his shoulders and the burden no longer his to bear, there was now a light at the end of the tunnel and he could see it – finally he could see it! It was true, the moment one realises suicide is the moment one feels finally free, no longer chained to the pain or imprisoned by the past. Perhaps Obito would not forgive him; perhaps he would, but whatever punishment he would suffer in his next life he would be free of this one. It’d be over. It’d finally be over.

 

“Goodnight to you too, Iruka,” he said sadly and softly. “I hope this is in early enough for you . . .”

 

With a final smile he straightened the papers on the desk and left.

 

* * * 

 

Raising his hand to the door Iruka paused.

 

He should knock, he knew he should, but for some reason something held him back. No, not ‘something’, he knew exactly what was stopping him from pounding on the door and demanding entrance, he knew exactly why he was hesitating from barging in and giving that Godforsaken Jounin a piece of his mind, and that thing – the only thing stopping him – was that this all seemed a little extreme . . . It wasn’t as though he’d just dropped by on the way home to see Kakashi after all . . . He’d had to get the Jounin’s address from Tsunade which seemed to be a little stalker-like, march all the way to Kakashi’s apartment which was miles from his own which seemed more than a little obsessive, and all in the dead of night for something as stupid as a mission report which seemed incredibly psychotic. Yet it wasn’t any of those things at all, no matter what Kakashi would think! He had every right to stop by and give the older man a good telling off! He’d been gone from the mission room for just ten minutes and when he’d returned for some forgotten marking that pathetic, sodden report was there staring him in he face!

 

True this sort of behaviour wasn’t unusual for Kakashi; reports were often late or incomplete, forms were often left unsigned, files were often left unsorted and a few times he’d even received a ‘report’ written in crayon by Naruto, which Kakashi had tried to pass off as his own. Jounin level Shinobi as a rule were notorious for flaunting the rules but none to such as an extreme and the Copy-Ninja, and although Iruka had a vast amount of patience this was starting to wear thin on his nerves. He worked hard for a living damn it and he didn’t deserve to be constantly disrespected! He shouldn’t have to chase after his colleagues for reports the same way he’d chase his students for homework, he shouldn’t have to be the one to tell them their responsibilities as sensei which they should have already been familiar with, and most of all he shouldn’t have to give up his own free time simply because a Shinobi couldn’t be bothered to be on time! He respected that Kakashi was busy, always on missions and worked hard, but why couldn’t the other see that he had to work just as hard despite being a Chunin? Why didn’t the other think that he deserved the same respect, not only as a Shinobi but as a fellow human being too?

 

No, he was not accepting such a shoddy report! Even if this took up his own free time, even if it was obsessive and a wasted use of energy, he wouldn’t let himself be pushed over or disrespected! He’d told Kakashi to come back tomorrow and the fact that the elder had yet again pretended that the other didn’t even exist angered him, and it hurt him too . . . Drawing in a deep breath he knew he had to put an end to this behaviour now, before it became out of hand or any other of his colleagues followed his example, so that was all there was to it! If that damned man wanted to act like a child then Iruka was happy enough to treat him just like a child!

 

Still . . . He had a great deal of respect for Kakashi. The man could seem almost perfect at times. He had flawless looks that both men and women dreamed about, he had skills and powers that hardly anyone could compete with, friends and pupils who would give their lives for him and a legacy as great as the White Fang, even his personality could draw even the coldest of people to him with his mysterious ways and laid-back outlook on life. It wasn’t a surprise he thought so lowly about Iruka, always telling him off or criticising him on his opinions, considering him very much a ‘mother-hen’, but that didn’t mean Iruka wanted him to dislike him anymore than he already did . . . He liked Kakashi, in fact it was common knowledge he even had a slight crush on him, blushing when the other would come into the room or pay him a compliment, always asking questions about him like when he’d first found out he’d be mentoring Team Seven. Did he really want Kakashi to think of him as some sort of stick-in-the-mud, workaholic, uptight loser too?

 

Well, it was too late now, he was here and he had principles, he couldn’t just let this go and if he backed away at this stage he’d be nothing more than a coward, something that Kakashi would find more off-putting than his original intent . . . With a deep sigh he put on the most furious frown he could muster and went for the door-handle, he didn’t trust the rather immature Shinobi to ditch him when he knocked and leave one of those stupid scarecrows in his place, he wouldn’t let himself fall victim to another idiotic prank, he was going to confront him once and for all!

 

“Hatake Kakashi-san?”

 

He was surprised that the door had been left unlock, swinging open easily with such ease that it only took the slightest touch to have it wide open and exposing the interior of the small room beyond. For a split-second the room – for it couldn’t be called an apartment – had him in complete shock, there was enough room for a bed but that was about it save a desk and a clothes chest, there wasn’t even a bathroom attached which would mean Kakashi would have to share a communal one. He hadn’t expected such basic living from a man like this, especially considering all the Ninken he’d trained personally would need some place to live . . . He was truly surprised, the apartment was even smaller than Naruto’s and he hadn’t expected that from such a Jounin, but more importantly was that the small space automatically drew his eyes to the room’s sole occupant: Kakashi.

 

Iruka hadn’t expected much when he’d decided to barge in, he’d expected to perhaps see the other man training or reading those damn novels he seemed permanently attached to, he hadn’t expected to see anything else and he certainly hadn’t prepared himself for the worst.

 

Before him, sitting lifelessly on the edge of the bed with knees spread and hand upturned between, was Kakashi. His hands lacked their usual gloves and he’d removed his Jounin vest and sweater so he was simply in that vest that covered his mouth, even his hitai-itewas gone. There was something almost alluring and beautiful about seeing him so bared and exposed compared to usual, without his weapons tied to his trousers or his arms hidden and his eye exposed, but there was no time for awe as in his left hand he gripped his kunai tight, so tight his knuckles were white with pressure. The point of the kunai’s blade was resting upon the white skin on his right wrist and then with a slow, steady pressure – as if he had all the time in the world – he began to slice down his forearm towards his elbow.

 

“Kakashi!”

 

Slamming shut the door Iruka literally dived across the room and wrenched the hand holding the kunai away with both his own hands, using the full force of his body to do so. Whether he was stronger than he thought, whether Kakashi was too weak to care or whether he’d simply caught the Jounin by surprise he didn’t know, but he managed easily to pull that arm away from the arm and send the wretched kunai flying across the room, it landed with a crash into a far corner out of sight and disappeared from view entirely.

 

Iruka found himself desperately panting for breath as his heart sped erratically with adrenaline; he was on his knees that felt bruised or bloody with the force of how he’d flung his body over to the other, beneath his own hitai-ite his forehead felt sticky with sweat and fear, his hands trembling violently as Kakashi dropped his arm forcefully so that Iruka’s own hands were forced down too, his eyes darting over Kakashi to check many things that he couldn’t coherently explain. Kakashi had – he’d just tried to -? Panting for breath Iruka licked his dry lips and blinked away tears. When he looked down to the right wrist of the elder Jounin he saw a tiny deep red line that dramatically veered away from the vein as the blade was pulled away, from there he could see a few inches of a very shallow cut that would barely scar, but that tiny part at the beginning – the start – showed clearly intent. Had Kakashi had those few seconds he needed his vein would definitely be split in two, and it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say death would be a strong probability. Luckily Iruka had come in time to stop the act and hardly any damage had been done . . .

 

But why – why! – had he tried to take his own life? This was Kakashi, the legendary Copy-Ninja, he had everything he could ever want and anything he didn’t have he could surely get just as easily. What hurt Iruka though was how selfish this whole act seemed . . . Kakashi had tried to take his own life but what about everyone else who he would have left behind; what about Gai who was both rival and friend and risked his life so many times for him, what about Sasuke or Naruto who’d both put their utmost faith and trust in their mentor and absorbed all he said with keen interest, and what about Iruka who loved him? What had possessed him to do this! Why? Why! Iruka didn’t understand. Were there any signs? Maybe he’d missed something, maybe he should have noticed before now, maybe there was something to give it all away, but – but Kakashi had seemed so normal! He hadn’t seemed the suicidal sort, or at least not to Iruka. Yet here he was, trying to take his own life . . . Suddenly Iruka was overcome with utter guilt. If only he’d been more patient and tried to understand the Jounin, see past his faults, maybe if he’d invited Kakashi to more of the events they all took part in or invited Kakashi to the ramen bar sometime, maybe if he’d even let the late mission reports slide instead of pestering him – but – but -. This couldn’t all be down to just Iruka, so what else had happened, what else had pushed Kakashi to do this? God! If anyone had hurt him – anyone at all! – he’d make sure they’d suffer greatly for all they’d done to his companion and colleague.

 

Swallowing almost audibly he gently held Kakashi’s wrist and stood up, lifting the wrist with him so it was eye-level with the elder man who simply sat mute and unmoving, the elevation would help stop the bleeding and make it easier to treat. Removing his own hitai-ite he wrapped it silently around the shallow wound and gave a weak smile, but when a small drop of water fell and stained the navy material he realised he was crying. He was crying. It felt so wrong – Kakashi was in such internal agony he was reduced to taking his own life, Iruka had a life he loved more than anything and yet he was the one crying. It felt – it felt as if he was trivialising what Kakashi felt, but in reality he was both relieved he’d saved the man and devastated that the other could hurt so much, the combination of emotions was so intense and overwhelming he had no choice but to cry. Why did he do this? Why hadn’t Iruka seen the signs?

 

“This is just a make-shift bandage to stop the bleeding,” Iruka said weakly. “The deep part is little over a couple of millimetres, the rest is just a shallow wound, it looks like a lot of blood but it needs minimal treatment -”

 

“I know, Iruka-sensei,” said the deep voice, eyes still cast upon an imaginary spot on the floor but voice deep and broken as if the whole world had came crashing down upon him. “I’m a Jounin. If I couldn’t analyse a basic wound such as this I have no right to call myself a Shinobi.”

 

“Well – well the bleeding will stop in a minute or so with pressure. Don’t worry.”

 

He barely had time to tie the hitai-ite in place when Kakashi wrenched his arm away so forcefully Iruka stumbled forward, he fell face first onto the bed right as Kakashi jolted from his spot and crossed the room to the window. Not wanting to stay lying in a rather inappropriate position on the edge of the bed Iruka moved into a sitting position and waited. He watched the other silently as he stared into the blackness of the inky sky outside, the thousands of raindrops hitting the glass so hard it wasn’t hard to imagine it could smash any moment. It was a long time before either spoke and when Kakashi did it was with such venom, such malice and contempt that Iruka could do nothing but shudder and tense, waiting for a blow that usually always followed words of such complete pain and anger.

 

“I didn’t want the bleeding to stop.” He quickly undid the tie of the hitai-ite and flung it across the room, it landed more or less on top of the kunai, Iruka had to wince at the sight. “I wanted to die, Iruka-sensei. You had no right to take that from me.”

 

“Kakashi, I -”

 

Kakashi turned and looked over across the room, his eyes seemed to scan around but then fall still upon a spot just beyond Iruka by the door, then his anger seemed abated as his eyes softened and his body relaxed. The release of tension wasn’t welcomed however, in its place came a terrifying expression of complete defeat and suffering, there was such a lost look Iruka could barely keep his eyes upon the elder. His eyes fell in the corners and glazed over dully, his skin became paler and his hands opened but fingers stayed taut as if unsure of themselves, then came the film of water on those dark eyes of his as he quickly shot his head to look away from that spot behind him. When Iruka looked, curious, he saw behind him the mission papers.

 

“I see.” Kakashi said sadly, “You came to lecture me about proper procedure. Well as you can see there is a time and place for everything, you have no right to come into my private space and interrupt a personal task, I’d like it if you could leave now.”

 

Iruka sat in shock.

 

He wasn’t really expected to leave, was he? After what he’d saw and seen how could he possibly just up and go? If he left Kakashi now when he was obviously in need, obviously in pain, he’d never forgive himself and he’d never be able to live with himself. Kakashi meant the world to him, he was everything he’d always envied and always wanted, whereas most people always wanted to be Kakashi he’d simply wanted to be with him. He’d loved the other as much as he was driven crazy by him, even now he’d seen him at his weakest he still felt the same, in fact he probably respected the other more for seeing this human side of him. He wouldn’t leave him to rot in his private hell, he wouldn’t let him drown in depression, and most of all he wouldn’t leave him to do this again! He had to know why. He had to.

 

“I won’t leave you, Kakashi-san.”

 

“I asked you to leave,” he snapped, turning with eyes brimming with unshed tears. “You didn’t even want to be here and as you can see I’m in no mood for lectures right now. Just go, Iruka-sensei.”

 

He shook his head and smiled sadly. “No. I’m not going to leave you, not like this. I don’t understand, Kakashi! Why? Why did you try and – and -? You always seemed so content, I didn’t think for a minute you’d do something like this! If I’d had any idea I swear I would have done everything I could to have helped you! I thought you were just – you know . . . being awkward. You always seemed so confident that I never thought you’d be hiding something like this . . .”

 

“Oh? So you’re staying out of pity? How kind.”

 

“No! I’m staying because I care, Kakashi!” Iruka snapped, his face red with frustration and pain, his eyes streaming with tears, “I love you and I won’t see you hurt! Do you have any idea what you mean to this village? To the people in it? If you died so many people would suffer and not just because of your skills as a Shinobi, but because of what you mean to them as a person.”

 

“What a fascinating cliché. I’m sure I read that in ‘Icha Icha Violence.’”

 

“This isn’t a joke, Kakashi!” Iruka screamed before clamping a hand over his mouth and forcing himself to calm down, in a complex like this the likelihood was that the walls would be thin and he doubted the other ninja wanted his business known to the world. “You mean a lot to everyone. Did you ever think just how the Toad Sage would be able to break the news to Naruto, how Sasuke would feel if he ever came back to the village, what effects it would have on Gai who worships you? Did you ever think what it’d mean to me? You -. Why Kakashi? Why try something like this?”

 

Silence. He hadn’t expected the other to say anything straight away but the silence was killing him, to be forced to wait for so long for such an important response had him literally on the edge of his seat, his heart beating a million beats a minute with adrenaline he couldn’t contain. He thought of all explanations and all seemed as wild and unrealistic as the last! Perhaps Kakashi was suffering some sort of addiction, maybe he banged his head on a mission, maybe he’d been abused recently, or what if it was his fault that Orichimaru invaded the village? But Kakashi was a good person though! He’d done nothing wrong in his life and installed important values and morals in his students, inspired fellow Ninja and saved the lives of so many! What reason could Kakashi have to try and – and – and commit suicide? Whatever it was had to be so bad, so horrible, that even Iruka’s mind couldn’t hope to comprehend it, and in that case did he even want to know? Could he even bring himself to hear such an awful revelation?

 

He watched as Kakashi sat at the far end of the bed. Upon the windowsill were several books, most those damn ‘Icha Icha’ ones that were so damned popular among the perverted Shinobi of higher rank. Iruka had never read them himself but he heard they were easy to relate to as they were semi-autobiographical, meaning that the Ninja who read them could see themselves as the characters who they liked the most. In fact they were meant to be as much plot as porn and it was inspiring in that respect, to see characters face hopeless battles and come out on top. It revealed more of Kakashi’s personality than he’d originally thought. Alongside the books was a large plant – half-alive – with the oddest name written upon it, and two small photographs in plain frames. There was one of Team Seven with Kakashi looking as if he was forcing an awkward, exasperated smile (surely a sign that Iruka should have spotted?) and a photo of the Fourth with what looked like a young Kakashi, very cute but pouting in such a way that rivalled Sasuke. It was the second photograph, of a Kakashi so long ago, that he seemed to be staring so intently at, his whole mind preoccupied with that photo as if it held all the answers in the world.

 

Carefully Iruka lifted himself up from his seat at the end of the bed and stood. He had two choices right now; he could up and leave and let Kakashi alone with some dignity and self-reflection, or he could stay and comfort the man despite clearly not being wanted. It wasn’t much of a choice really, was it? It wasn’t even that he cared about answers anymore, it was more that he had an obligation to be by Kakashi’s side and help him through this, after all wouldn’t he want the same if he felt like suicide was the only option? Besides . . . he loved Kakashi, didn’t he? Slowly he walked around the bed and sat down besides the other, feeling the bed dip as he did so and seeing the slight glare in those eyes at the fact he chose not to leave. Ignoring Kakashi’s glare he placed a hand reassuringly upon his shoulder and gave a smile, all it did was cause the other to sigh but at the same time obviously relax and shed some tension.

 

“Kakashi-san?” He whispered, holding firm and tight upon the other’s shoulder. “Please, why did you do it? Why did you try and hurt yourself?”

 

“I hate myself . . .”

 

The words were half-whispered and half-unsaid, something so soft in the air it was almost as if they hadn’t been uttered at all, something unsure and almost ethereal that revealed deep into the other’s soul. Just three words but they said so much, told such a story and revealed so much pain and understanding that Iruka could feel his eyes brimming with tears all over again. That quiet tone had been laced with such venom the hatred was clear, but beneath it was a longing sound of a desperate desire to have something more, to overcome that self-loathing. He couldn’t understand how Kakashi could hate himself – he had the perfect life! – and yet here he was driven to suicide because he couldn’t bear to simply be who he was. Iruka didn’t understand, perhaps he couldn’t or wasn’t meant to, but he knew the pain the other felt, human suffering was universal after all and so he knew he had to do everything he could to help, to bring a sense of peace to the elder Shinobi whether he understood or not. Kakashi didn’t deserve to suffer after all, why he did was a mystery but regardless Iruka swore he’d do everything in his power to help.

 

“I don’t expect you to understand,” Kakashi continued sadly.

 

“Try me.”

 

“Iruka . . . Why do you care so much?”

 

“Kakashi,” Iruka said softly, keeping his hand upon the shoulder to show his support and his determination not to let go. He just felt that the physical contact grounded them both right now and to let go would feel like letting go emotionally. “I – I can’t say I know what it’s like to want to take your own life, I’ve never really had the urge, I mean I’ve thought about it, I think we all have at some point, but I never really wanted to do it. I do know what it’s like to hurt though . . . When my parents died I blamed myself and I thought it was all my fault, no one liked me much at school unless I was playing pranks or acting the fool so I ended up hating the real me, the me that no one got to see. Then Mizuki betrayed me and Naruto left to become a Genin and – and I guess what I’m trying to say is I know what it’s like to doubt yourself, to feel bad about things. Not that I’m trying to trivialise what you feel at all!” Iruka gave a nervous laugh and stared up at the ceiling as he scratched his neck nervously, “It’s just, I thought you might feel better knowing you’re not alone, and – and I don’t want you to feel as bad as I did or worse, because it’s not a nice feeling, you know?”

 

“A Shinobi isn’t meant to feel. He is a tool to be used for his village, nothing more. A true Shinobi doesn’t show his feelings . . .”

 

With a twitch of his eyebrow Iruka let go of Kakashi’s shoulders to hit him on the back of his head, it wasn’t a truly hard hit but it was powerful enough to shock the moping Jounin into turning his head to make eye-contact with the Chunin, giving a wide-eyed look of fright as he did so. Iruka bit his lip and tried to remain looking firm, granted hitting a suicidal man in most cases could only make things worse but this was Kakashi, he had a feeling that a small blow would do more good in getting him to listen than kind words – or at least he hoped so.

 

“We’re Shinobi, that’s true,” Iruka said with a slight blush on his cheeks, “but we’re also men! We feel pain when our comrades die just the same as anyone else, we feel happy when a mission goes well and angry when Naruto dupes us into paying for what seems like a truckload of ramen. You’re entitled to feel upset, to hate yourself, to feel anything! Just don’t feel guilty because you _do_ feel. Feeling just proves you’re alive, human! I don’t want to hear you saying that sort of thing again.”

 

When Iruka could feel his blushing cheeks cool down he turned his gaze back to Kakashi. It seemed he was now stuck between a sad smile and a light frown, his mouth clearly perked up at the corners despite being masked by that navy vest and his eyes dropping despite seemingly content, it was the oddest mixture of happy and sad Iruka had ever seen, as if he wasn’t sure what to feel. There was still that unbroken film of water on his eyes, still that furrowing of his eyebrows as he had the look of a lost puppy, and still the way his hair came forward slightly to block the front of his face and shade his expression into a darker sorrow. Perhaps Iruka was looking too deeply but there seemed to be a spark of humanity that wasn’t there before, a sense that Kakashi – although vulnerable and exposed – had that feeling of life once more, that he wasn’t completely dead to his surroundings. It caused Iruka to sigh and sag in relief but remembering where he was he draped an arm over Kakashi’s shoulders and waited, the other was taking his time and absorbing what had been said but that was okay, Iruka had all the time in the world.

 

“Do you know why I wear this mask, Iruka?”

 

The question was so sudden it completely took him by surprise. It was as if it had came out of thin air, a sentence so random and unrelated to the topic at hand that it had no place being asked, yet Iruka knew better than to question it. The pain Kakashi was going through was so agonising and deep that it was impossible to expect the man to outright say what was troubling him, his trust and faith in others would be low right now and more importantly his faith in himself was non-existent, to confess his deepest emotional state would open that wound in him and expose him completely. It would take time to reveal what was going on in his mind, it would take patience to coax that information from him in a way that would be non-judgemental and reassuring, and most of all it would take time for his pain to heal and to go away, if it ever would go away completely that is . . .

 

“No, I don’t know,” he replied keeping his arm around the other.

 

“People always used to think it was because I looked like him,” Kakashi said softly, sadly. “The White Fang. I wore the mask when he was alive just the same as I did when he was dead. When he was alive people always thought I tried to distance myself from him, tried to be seen as my own person by forcing my own identity, if I didn’t look like him then I couldn’t be compared to him. When he died people more-or-less assumed the same thing. Who would want to look like the man who had disgraced his village, been forced to take his own life? Who would want to go around wearing the face of a coward? So the rumours began that I wore the mask to become someone else, so I wouldn’t be compared to him . . .”

 

“That wasn’t the reason?”

 

“No. The reason is that each time I look in the mirror I hate what I see, and if I can’t even bear to look at me how can I expect anyone else to?” It was then a silver tear cascaded down Kakashi’s cheek, it was the last thing Iruka had expected and the sight of the Jounin shedding his pain in such a way caused his own heart to ache, it was all he could do not to cry himself as he tried to hold on and listen all he could. “I was the one who found his body. The White Fang dead on the floor, so much blood that the tatami mats are stained to this day, I should replace them but I can’t bring myself to even so much as visit that house . . . Even my dogs won’t go near that room. I could never understand, why he would leave me, I understand his disgrace and his pain but I was his son, his child . . . Isn’t a parent meant to love a child no matter what, and yet he left me, he would rather die than live a life with his son? What could I have done that could revolt him so much that he preferred death to me? I tried to change after that. I thought if I was no longer the boy he knew perhaps that would make me a better person, someone people could love, and someone who wasn’t so detestable.

 

“It didn’t work. I became the perfect ninja, I followed all rules effortlessly and completed all missions as asked, yet no matter how rigidly I obeyed the rules and changed my personality I still led them to their deaths.  . . I still killed them. Obito _died_ because of me. _He died because of my mistakes_! First I caused the death of my father and then my teammate. What does that make me, Iruka? What does that make me? I – I failed as a Jounin and let him go off alone and it led to his death, his final gift to me was the Sharingan, but I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve anything. Rin was driven insane shortly after, you know? Then Minato died protecting our village. Is it right I’m the only one of the team left alive? I couldn’t stop the Hokage from dying, I couldn’t stop Itachi from defeating me in battle, and I couldn’t stop Sasuke from leaving. Where is my worth? I am a Shinobi first and foremost! If I fail as a Shinobi I fail as a man. I have no meaning to my life if I have no meaning as a Ninja . . .

 

“I’m alone but it’s no one’s fault but my own. It’s because of me that those I love leave me or die, I drive them to it one way or another, it’s a wonder I haven’t driven that kunai into my heart long ago.”

 

Unable to stand anymore Iruka threw his other arm around them man and pulled him down into a powerful yet gentle hug, holding him as tight as he could without hurting the Jounin. He could feel Kakashi tense under him, his whole body hard like rock and unmoving like stone, his forehead lay against Iruka’s shoulder so that the smell of scented shampoo floated from Kakashi’s hair to tickle his nose, and with the other so unmoving and resisting Iruka felt as though he’d perhaps crossed a line and made the other feel more uncomfortable than before. It was then he felt large, muscular arms encircling and felt an almost nuzzling sensation at his neck, it seemed his hug was being returned after all – almost as if it was the first time Kakashi had ever felt anyone hold him in such a way – and it caused Iruka’s heart to melt and hold onto him all the more.

 

How had he missed this? Kakashi had been holding this pain inside him for so long, years upon years! He’d blamed himself for the deaths of people who he couldn’t possibly have saved, his blamed himself for events that were completely beyond his control, he despised himself and hated himself and hid his face for the fact he hated his own reflection so desperately. Surely all this pain should have revealed itself at some point? Surely there were hints or clues that this man may try to take his own life? Now Iruka looked back there were so many clues he was shocked he’d missed them, shocked he’d been unable to do anything about them, and the guilt was eating at him in such a way it was like a gnawing at his own soul. He wasn’t sure what to do now either. He couldn’t report this to Tsunade else Kakashi would lose his job as a Shinobi, and by what he’d heard that was how Kakashi defined himself and his purpose for living, without being a Shinobi then he’d have no reason at all to live, nothing to define ‘Kakashi’ and nothing to keep him fighting onwards. So what did that mean? He couldn’t be left alone, clearly, and Iruka wasn’t a trained counsellor, could he even help bring Kakashi’s mind back to full health, what if he made things worse? If Kakashi couldn’t be left alone then where would he stay, evidently he refused to go back to the home his father owned and that he himself now owned, but this apartment was little more than a large box and Iruka certainly couldn’t live here! What would Kakashi do on missions or when Iruka was teaching? Would he be okay even for that long?

 

There was only one thing that Iruka was certain of though and that was that he would never, never leave Kakashi. He owed the other so much and he loved him more than life itself, he would not betray him and leave him in his hour of need, he’d find a way to bring him out of this if it was the last thing he did, he simply had to! Stroking the Jounin’s hair he drew in a deep breath and stared up at the ceiling with a look of hope and fear . . .

 

“You’re not alone anymore, Kakashi,” he said sweetly, “I won’t leave you.”

 

He could feel the other’s chest heave beneath him with silent laughter, “That’s what they all say.”

 

Iruka pouted as he tried his hardest not to frown, “Well in that case let me be the first to prove it, let me show you that I mean it. I’m not going to leave you. I’m going to help you through this.”

 

The only answer he received was a heavy silence, the chest beneath him still heaved heavily but this time Iruka was unsure whether it was still that cynical laughter or heart-wrenching sobs . . .

 

All he knew was that he couldn’t leave.

 

Not now . . .

 


	2. Chapter 2

# Chapter Two

 

Oh God, where was Kakashi?

 

He had to be here – he said he’d be here! – but if he wasn’t here then just where the hell was he? Drawing in a deep breath Iruka closed the apartment door behind him. This wasn’t right. He knew something was wrong, he could feel it, but he was a Chunin and an adult Chunin at that, he couldn’t just let his emotions get the better of him without a good reason. Kakashi had been fine for the past month after all and he’d seemed to be recovering nicely. Why would he suddenly decide to leave or hurt himself? It just didn’t make sense!

 

Sitting on the edge of the bed Iruka sighed loudly and tried to quell his racing heart, it wouldn’t help to panic and the more he felt his heart beating loud against his ribs the more his emotions took control of him. He couldn’t think of a worse feeling than this. It was such an intense feeling of helplessness and worry, his feet and hands twitched and shook with a need to be active and doing something, but his mind just wouldn’t let him up! If he moved where would he go? Kakashi said he’d be here; true he was always late which was why Iruka made sure to be an hour late himself! It wasn’t as though he could leave the apartment to look for the Jounin either, the very thought set a cold wave of adrenaline into his system that made him feel as if his blood had drained into his stomach; what if Kakashi came back whilst he was out looking? Still, he couldn’t just sit here and do nothing! It was beginning to drive him to the brink of insanity, the thoughts racing around in his head, each one more intense and blinding than the last, but each and every image drove him to the exact same picture of Kakashi injured, dying, dead . . .

 

He – he was being overdramatic, wasn’t he? He’d only just arrived after all and it was a very small apartment, too small really, it was possible Kakashi had only stepped out to use the bathroom or maybe he was downstairs in the communal kitchen? Come to think of it there was many places the Jounin could be, he often competed with Gai-sensei and was often called away on sudden missions, he could even be praying at the remembrance stone or hunting the bookstores for another good read. Iruka didn’t have a reason to assume the worst, did he? No. No, of course not! It had been a month since the incident and Kakashi had made great progress since then, they’d been an occasional slip-up but generally he seemed to be heading in a positive direction. It would be an insult to the other to think the worst, it’d be like all the progress they’d made was for nothing, and it’d be as if he no longer trusted the Jounin with the small things. So why couldn’t he stop his heart from pounding? Why did his eyes water and his skin pale? If Kakashi was okay then why was he so scared . . .?

 

If the elder Shinobi had left for an innocent reason then surely he would have let Iruka know . . . There’d have been a note written down for him to find, a message passed through the mission desk or he would have even sent Pakkun to pester him, so why was it he was sitting in an unlocked, empty apartment with no sign of the owner? Something had to be wrong, but if that were true than Iruka would never forgive himself! If Kakashi had been feeling suicidal again then he should have spotted the signs, he should have seen the warnings, maybe he should have spoken to Tsunade after all or encouraged Kakashi to speak to some sort of professional? There was no reason to think such things though! Iruka was just confused, worried, assuming the worst . . . If only his heart would slow down, if only his breathing would quieten, it was starting to feel suffocating in the tiny room, as if the air was being drawn out and he had no other choice except to take shallow breaths and hope for the best.

 

With a nervous smile he scratched thoughtfully at the scar on his nose and dropped beside him a book he’d brought earlier in the day . . . It wasn’t much but he’d hoped to give it as a present to Kakashi, to show him that he was in Iruka’s thoughts . . . Maybe it’d been a bad idea, after all it was supposed to be the latest in the Icha series but knowing Kakashi he probably already had it, and knowing Kakashi he’d probably just laugh at Iruka’s discomfort and embarrassment at having to buy such a book in the first place. That was . . . assuming Kakashi was okay . . .

 

It’d been a month though! Iruka had been to Kakashi’s apartment each and every morning and afternoon since then, making sure to collect mission reports so they wouldn’t be late and stopping by with breakfast in much the same way Kakashi used to do for Naruto. He’d done everything he could to show the elder that he was wanted and needed and Iruka planned to remain a constant in his life, he’d spent the first few weeks talking solely about himself in hopes that Kakashi would open up and eventually he did, even if it was only a little. They’d developed a friendship really, which had been a lot more than Iruka had ever hoped for, and as for his hasty declaration of love when he panicked – finding Kakashi trying to commit suicide – well it was as it it’d never happened. At first Iruka worried that his abrupt announcement had been completely overlooked and ignored, worrying that it was perhaps playing the Jounin’s mind or putting something awkward between a possible friendship, but then he realised that Kakashi genuinely didn’t notice. Perhaps he’d felt the ‘I love you’ was merely a generic or platonic kind of love, or something over exaggerated in a moment of fear, but for some reason it both frightened and hurt him to think that. It hurt that Kakashi didn’t realise the extent to which he felt for him, but at the same time it was frightening to think what would happen should the other Shinobi ever find out.

 

 

Still, where was he? Why wasn’t he here? Iruka couldn’t help but worry, he knew well the problems that Jounin faced daily and the pressures placed upon them, and it wasn’t as if anyone could be sensitive to Kakashi’s situation as no one knew the problems he was facing. What if something had pushed him over the edge? What if he was out there somewhere and needed help?

 

Drawing in a deep breath Iruka stood up and readied himself. He couldn’t just sit around waiting for news or for something to happen, he was a Chunin and he had to take action! If this were any one of his students or Naruto he’d be the first to get involved and make sure all was well, just because it was a Jounin rather than a child didn’t mean he had no moral obligation to get involved. It was his duty as a Shinobi to do so! He’d find Kakashi and make sure everything was okay, if it wasn’t then he’d help his fellow ninja, and if all was okay then he’d make sure to hurt Kakashi enough that he wouldn’t dream of worrying Iruka again!

 

With a frown Iruka left the apartment, determined to find Kakashi. It didn’t matter how long it took him or what happened, all he knew was he had to make sure the elder Shinobi was okay, if he didn’t he’d never be able to forgive himself . . .

 

He had to be okay; he just had to . . .

 

* * *

 

It was strange . . .

 

How many years had it been since he’d visited this place? It was certainly too long ago to remember accurately, and yet – and yet he knew his way around the building as he’d never left! His feet guiding from room to room with such familiarity that it was almost second-nature, his hands trailing surfaces as he passed with a quiet uncertainty that was mismatched to his footsteps. He felt as if he owed this home a degree of reverence; it was almost like stepping into a home of a stranger with its foreign ambiance and unsettling, unfamiliar atmosphere, and for that he owed it some respect because it didn’t feel quite his. Yet this was his, wasn’t it? It was his home along with all the memories, the flashbacks, the objects that were once his father’s and the belongings that once were his as a child. It was all his and somehow at the same time it wasn’t. It was perfect really, a mass of swirling contradictions that was what a Shinobi was, but through it all he wasn’t sure what to feel or even just what had brought him here to begin with.

 

It was clear which rooms his Ninken used and which they didn’t; the places that were untouched had a thick layer of virgin dust, to even touch them for a second left a blanket of filth on Kakashi’s fingers that seemed to stain the skin and taint it forever, his every move sent clouds of dirt into the air and left footprints clinging to the floors. There were only two rooms that were clean and those appeared to be the main kitchen and living room, there the dust seemed to fade away like a tide into a sea of cleanliness, the objects were scattered and there was a faint smell to the place too marking it as lived in. Two homes in one house, that was what it was. How could he have been gone for so long? How was it he failed to notice the neglect of this place?

 

He smiled beneath his mask. It felt ironic in a way to ask such a question, hadn’t he neglected his own body and own soul in the exact same way? He could still feel that emptiness inside him, as if his own soul had long ago vacated and left him nothing more than an empty shell, that feeling of worthlessness and age, as if all these years he’d stood tall and proud but with nothing to show for it. He hated that feeling. It was that despair that had driven him to the point of suicide, that overwhelming loneliness where it felt as if he could scream to the world and no one would answer, and why would they? What Shinobi couldn’t take care of themselves? What Jounin couldn’t save himself from the brink of destruction? He had known back then that no one would save him or help him, he’d known he was standing in that bleak abyss staring pain and regret in the face with the realisation he was fighting that losing battle alone, he’d been falling with no way to stop, no one to catch him. Had he been weak? Was it a sign of his failing abilities that he’d allowed himself to drop so far? If it was that – pathetic weakness and nothing more – then what right had he to live, to claim to be a ninja of this village? Just how would he be able to prove his worth again and bring himself back to the status he once held?

 

Somehow, at some point, he found himself walking away from his duties and responsibilities and wandering what he thought was aimlessly, without meaning or reason, until he was stood at the gates of the old Hatake complex, looking deep into the eyes of the house with a feeling of both hostility and adoration. The conflict inside him at seeing that old building was heartbreaking, his inner organs felt tense and taut, his breath shallow and his heart pulled deep somewhere inside him, there was this intense dread and fear of entering but this desire to see me that sought to pull him inside. He couldn’t move. He could only stare too scared to enter and too scared to move, until something unexplainable drew him on. It was a feeling that something had clicked in his mind, this clearing of clutter and useless thoughts and an instinct that he’d only ever known on the battlefield, it was almost ethereal but at the same time so practical, drawing him into a house that was not a home and a home that was not a house.

 

The only way he could explain it was a sense of fate. It felt as if he should die then this was it, the place where he must take his own life, it felt almost poetic to end his own life on the very same spot his father had when he was only a child, but there was more to it than that too. If he were to be positive, to be hopeful, then where better a place than to rebuild his existence than here? Rebuilding a home that once stood majestic and proud whilst trying to rebuild his soul in that same way? True he didn’t know what he wanted, true he didn’t know no longer where he stood, but he knew that he couldn’t just walk on, he was drawn to that building for whatever reason and that reason compelled him to go in and explore.

 

Stopping by the rooms the dogs had appeared to commandeer for their own he spent a few moments playing with them, conversing with Pakkun for a great length of time in fact, before allowing himself to search the house once more . . .

 

It was a strange feeling being a ghost in his home. Everything he touched had a mark left in it, everywhere he moved had behind him a path marking his journey, and before him were untouched places that had been left alone for so long it felt almost blasphemous to tread on that untrodden ground. It seemed some of the wooden furniture had become rotten over time, a few of the paper doors broken or faded and the tatami mats such a dark brown that it was obvious they were in desperate need of replacement. It was only when his senses were accosted by that horrific smell, that one he’d never grown used to despite his years fighting and killing, that he truly realised just where he’d been heading all this time.

 

Before him were the large old-fashioned, slide doors that he’d been so familiar with growing up, the ones that had led into his father’s room where he so often sat hearing stories or waiting with a smile to listen to the old man’s latest missions, it’d been a room he knew intimately well and still to this say remembered every detail.

 

When he was still young, naïve and innocent he’d looked to his father as a role model; Sakumo Hatake, the White Fang, a Shinobi feared and respected by all and loved more than anyone in the whole village. It was of course before the days before he’d been disgraced, the days before he’d taken his own life, but Kakashi remembered. He remembered memorising every item in the room, reflecting how it somehow revealed so much about his idol’s personality and interests, he remembered every detail of every story told, he even remembered some of the training that had occurred and the skills he’d learnt. It was amazing that despite it all the memories were pure, untarnished and brought a smile to his face that seemed so rare these days. This was his father’s room. This was the room of the White Fang. He knew he most people would have treated such a room with the utmost respect and kindness, but Kakashi knew that would have been the ultimate disrespect, his father would have wanted him to remember the room fondly and treat it as he always had done, to do anything else would have been improper. With his smile shaking with unease he draped his hands over the handles and opened the door quickly, as if the speed would make the sight before him hurt less . . . It didn’t.

 

It was as if he was seeing the death for the first time all over.

 

His heart seemed to stop dead in his chest, a feeling of coldness washing over him the exact same way it had as a child when he’d stepped into this very room, his skin felt touched by ice and chilled with a sheen of sweat and his eyes seemed to double in vision and blur with such fear he hadn’t experienced for years. The blood stain on the floor seemed smaller now than when he was a child, but such a dark and intense reddish-brown it could have easily been black, and as he looked at it he could feel his eyes burn intensely with the sharp pain of tears. This blood – this blood was his father’s, this was where he watched moments after his father had plunged that blade into his stomach, this was where he forgot all his training and panicked, where he tried so hard to put all he saw back into the body where it belonged, where he heard those last words and saw the light go out of those eyes. This was where Sakumo died. He hadn’t expected the pain to flood back, he hadn’t expected to feel it as acutely as if someone had ripped open an old scar to let blood flow, and yet here it was, this nauseous feeling of dread, death and depression, this knowledge that here had lain a man and now he would lay here no longer. Sakumo was gone and this – this was his room, his room that was no Kakashi’s room. It didn’t feel right.

 

Kneeling down gently he reached out his fingers and placed them softly on the dried blood. It was a strange gesture but it helped. It was as if by touching those rotten remains he could connect himself to his lost father, picture his smile and wrinkled eyes, that long hair that would always sooner or later annoy him with its length, hear those soft words as he recanted tales of bravery and advise beyond wise. It was as if by touching what once belonged to his father he could touch that soul he’d lost long ago, touch the man who no longer had a place in his life except as a ghost or memory. The downside of course was that by touching that blood he could vividly remember that moment in time as if it was happening around him, he could see his father lying on his side as if he was really there with Kakashi’s eyes staring down the way they had back then. He could feel the fear and feel the hot, sticky blood over his hands trickling down his arms, he could feel that slicked open skin beneath his fingers as he desperately tried to close a wound that could not be closed, he could feel the heat all over again, the scalding heat of blood even as that body turned cold under his touch. He could feel it, see it, smell it. He was there. He was watching his father die . . .

 

“Kakashi!”

 

Jolting his hand back his mind seemed to pull back to the present time. His father’s body had disappeared from sight and all that was left was a stain, a reminder of all that was and couldn’t be, the furniture and futon were no longer fresh but mouldy and dusty and the windows were not open to that cruel moon but closed to the sun. He was home at last and there was no father here to greet him . . .

 

“Kakashi?” Blinking a few times Kakashi sighed and tilted his head in the direction of Iruka’s voice, the poor man was standing behind him by only a few inches but the sheer fear in his voice was so powerful that it drew out a cold rush of adrenaline. Iruka was clearly frightened and perhaps rightly so, and yet for some reason he couldn’t think of any words of comfort, or anything to say. “Kakashi, are you okay? I – I came in and saw the blood and – and I –.” There was a long pause and an audible swallow, “I thought when I saw you just sitting there that it was yours! What the hell were you thinking? You had me scared to death!”

 

“Hmm? I’m sorry Iruka.”

 

Standing carefully he turned to look the other in the eye. It was clear the younger man was upset, his usually tanned skin had paled considerably and his eyes shook with a watery film, it was heartbreaking to look upon. Over the past month Iruka had been there constantly for him, visiting him each and every day and encouraging him to even socialise more with his fellow Jounin, he no longer felt quite as alone and he had Iruka to thank for that, the Chunin had given him an almost purpose for living and something to look forward to. It had been confusing at first given him crush on the Chunin but his distaste also for some of his more annoying personality quirks, but having gotten to know him Kakashi could easily see why he was so loved by everyone, and just how lucky he was to have him by his side. He really appreciated Iruka and the last thing he wanted was to hurt the man who had helped save him from his depression, granted his still had a long way to go but he wanted Iruka there with him each step of the way.

 

“What are you doing here anyway?”

 

“What am I doing here? What do you think! You were supposed to meet me at your apartment an hour ago! I’ve been worried sick, Kakashi! I must have been to every place in the village I thought you might be, I was just lucky Anko saw you coming in here else I might never have found you!”

 

“Oh? My, my, I didn’t realise I was so late. My apologies, Iruka-sensei.”

 

When he gave a bright – if not slightly faked – smile he saw Iruka snap his head to the side and blush red, the colour at once returned to his cheeks and his eyes sparkled with life once again. Despite his arms folded and the sharp frown on his face he appeared quite cute, the image of which issued a sincere smile onto Kakashi’s hidden lips as his eyes closed in humour. He was starting to enjoy these moments when Iruka would appear; he found himself lately gossiping with Anko, competing with Gai and sometimes even in good conversation with Ibiki but it seemed Iruka was the only person he could find himself smiling with, feeling natural with. Perhaps it was merely because the other was there at such a vulnerable moment and helped him, perhaps it was a feeling akin to a love for one’s parent – Iruka certainly was nurturing after all – or perhaps he would have felt the same for anyone else had they helped him in the same way. All he knew was there was something special about Iruka, something that captured his attention and made him smile in a way that he thought he never would again, perhaps he was developing feelings for the younger but even if he wasn’t he still felt as if he’d at least gained a good friend.

 

“Yeah, well . . . Don’t do it again!” Iruka snapped with a cute pout and his cheeks red, after a few brief seconds his eyebrows began to twitch conspicuously as his eyes turned to what used to be Sakumo Hatake’s room. With curiosity piqued he lowered his arms and let his face return to it usually peaceful look, “What are you doing here anyway? This place isn’t exactly . . . hygienic.”

 

Laughing Kakashi bent forward and patted Iruka kindly on the head, “How cute, all these years of teaching and the only way you can describe this hellhole is ‘unhygienic’. It’s no wonder Naruto is articulate as he is.”

 

“Don’t patronise me Kakashi!”

 

Seeing the dark and dangerous gaze in Iruka’s eyes he realised he’d crossed a line and offended the other man, at first Iruka had only smiled and said it was good as it meant he was getting back to normal, however as time seemed to be going on Iruka was growing more and more frustrated by the comments and seemed to be getting quite upset. He knew he had to hold back a little else he’d risk losing the only friend he had right now, but at the same time it was so easy to annoy the younger man that he couldn’t resist, it made him feel like things had returned back to normal and it felt nice to be able to tease and play with another. He could only hope Iruka understood it wasn’t a desire to undermine the Chunin as such, but merely a desire to get a reaction and build some form of relationship. When Iruka sighed and scratched at his scar he smiled, he knew then that he hadn’t upset Iruka too much.

 

“Why are you here, Kakashi?”

 

“Well,” Kakashi said sadly, “I saw Tsunade-sama today, she’s decided to send me on an S-ranked mission, it’ll mean I’ll be gone for at least two weeks . . . I suppose it got me thinking.” With an almost empty gaze he turned his attention back to his father’s old room, “What do you think of the colour blue?”

 

“Kakashi?”

 

“Hmm? Sorry, I was thinking of doing this place up when I get back from the mission. I suppose after everything I could do with a fresh start and although this isn’t quite what I had in mind it’ll do, I’ll be able to spend more time with the dogs and I suppose it’s big enough to start a family in . . .”

 

“A – a family?”

 

With a sound of curiosity Kakashi turned once more and looked at Iruka with worry. The younger Chunin seemed to be blushing furiously and it wasn’t often he seemed to stumble on words, it was enough for him to begin to worry, perhaps he’d done or said something yet again to offend the other? Or perhaps Iruka was just happy Kakashi was planning ahead for the future? It hadn’t been something he’d consciously done, it had just sort of slipped out in fact, but it was inspiring for Kakashi to realise that he was thinking ahead, it meant that maybe there was a way out of this after all, that maybe there was a light at the end of the tunnel. It felt almost a relief to think of a future outside of missions in fact, but it didn’t explain Iruka’s expression at all. He couldn’t even bring himself to make eye contact and it was definitely worrying.

 

“Are you okay, Iruka?”

 

“Yeah – yeah, I’m fine thank you, Kakashi-sensei! So – so when does your mission begin?”

 

There was something odd about the Chunin’s voice, it seemed to shake and betray a sense of nervousness that didn’t seem called for, in fact it was strange to think of Iruka even being nervous, he seemed to portray such confidence that Kakashi had never envisioned him as being anything else. What made things all the more awkward was it seemed Iruka’s new disposition was passing on to Kakashi, just looking at the Chunin had him scratching his neck and giving a nervous laugh all of his own. He couldn’t help but wonder just what had brought this sudden change in personality on.

 

“Today actually. I’m due to meet Gai-sensei and Anko-chan in an hour’s time, it’s a three-person squad and we’re hoping to be back as I said in a fortnight, I’ll need to be leaving any moment now. Don’t worry, Iruka, I’m starting to feel more like my old self, I doubt I’ll be in any danger like I was before.”

 

“Kakashi? Before you go –. I have to tell you something!”

 

“Oh?”

 

His curiosity piqued at once. Whatever this was seemed serious, he could tell by the small things like the way Iruka furrowed his eyebrows and the way he bit his lip, the way he suddenly couldn’t look the other in the eye and the way he seemed to be somewhat pouting. It was strange to think what the other could possibly have to say to him, it couldn’t be a warning to be careful for he was a Jounin, such warnings were as good as useless, but it had to be something important too else why couldn’t it wait? Stepping closely to Iruka he noted that the other man seemed suddenly much more uncomfortable, his blush had stretched over his cheeks in the most adorable way but he’d also seemed to shrink into himself, as if hiding away from Kakashi as much as he could.

 

“Iruka?”

 

“To hell with it . . .” Iruka whispered.

 

Kakashi opened his mouth to speak but before he could utter a word Iruka had thrown his arms completely around his neck. It was shocking, frightening and surprising; he hadn’t expected at all to feel arms of another person around him, clinging to him as if he were their only source of life, least of all had he expected this from what he’d thought was just a friend. To feel that hard, chiselled chest pressed firm up against his, those long and muscled arms gripping onto him and that warm face so close to his, it was amazing. He’d never dreamed that Iruka would see him this way, want to be so close to him, yet it felt so right, so perfect, as if they should have been holding each other this way all along. Lying in each other’s arms and comforting each other through the good and the bad, holding the other in a way that was just so perfect and romantic in all its surprise.

 

Wrapping his arms cautiously around the other he smiled, the simple hug meant so much to him and he hadn’t expected more, but then he felt those hands snaking around to his neck and inching their way up to explore his cheek and face. The touch of those smooth fingertips on his skin was almost seductive, they moved slowly and with such ease it was as if they were mapping out every inch of his face for memory, it was a slow exploration and the very touch was electric and made his eyes half-lid and his breath grow heavy. When those long fingers worked their way under his mask, pulling it down to leave his face on view, he barely even noticed, he was so enraptured with the touches and close proximity that it was as if his senses were ensnared, captured by this sudden magic. Before he could realise just what had occurred he felt those full, soft, rich lips upon his, coaxing his into life and teasing them with an almost expertise he’d never before encountered.

 

It was the most intense kiss he’d ever imagined. The feeling of their breaths intermingling, the tingle and shocks of pleasure that coursed through him at such a soft expression of love, the heat of Iruka’s tongue tracing his own lips and seeking entrance into his own cavern unexplored before to anyone. He could feel Iruka’s hands massaging his shoulders as the kiss seemed to deepen, feel his arousal pressed firm against Kakashi’s leg as his own pressed back in return, and opening his eyes he could see the blush on Iruka’s cheeks, the relaxed expression as his eyes closed and the small trail of saliva each time their now open kissed pulled away. It was a deeply erotic sight and had him wanting more, regretting having to leave so soon, and just as soon as it had began that hot, rough tongue of Iruka’s broke its way into his mouth, tasting him and taking in everything that he was, exploring with a sincere eagerness.

 

In shock Kakashi pulled away. He – he hadn’t expected that at all. That wasn’t to say it wasn’t good because damn it was good, the way his groin pulsed and throbbed attested a lot to the fact it was very good, but – but this was Iruka!

 

He liked the Chunin a lot but he’d never pictured them in a relationship, and what did this mean? Kakashi was just about to go on a S-ranked mission, he couldn’t guarantee he’d live, much less be able to come back and start a relationship with another. Wait, this – this meant that Iruka was gay? He’d always pictured Iruka as the blushing, virginal schoolteacher and yet here he was taking the initiative with a man no less, Kakashi wasn’t even sure what to think. His mind was confused, in chaos, wanting more but unsure how to go about it, unsure as to what was going on . . .

 

“Kakashi!” He had to blink a few times when Iruka spoke, and when he looked he saw the man on the verge of tears and with a look of complete defeat, it was heartbreaking but as he went to speak once again he was cut off before the words could come, “No, it’s okay, I know why you pushed me away, I shouldn’t have come onto you like that. It’s just – I really do like you Kakashi! With everything you’ve been through though I shouldn’t have – I mean – well - . . . I never really expected you to love a Chunin like me anyways,” Iruka said with a nervous laugh and a small tear, “Good luck with your mission, okay! I’ll – I’ll see you when you get back.”

 

“Iruka, I –.”

 

“No! It’s okay! Really! I have to go, see you when you get back, okay?”

 

Lifting his hand to stop the other man he realised it was a pointless gesture, already Iruka had moved his own hands to do the jutsu required to leave, by the time he’d even regained his senses Iruka had gone.

 

He wasn’t sure what to do. Should he go after Iruka and explain he enjoyed the kiss but was merely in shock, or did Iruka need a moment alone? If he did explain things what would happen then anyway? He couldn’t avoid his mission but he certainly couldn’t avoid Iruka and what happened, and if the kiss meant something then it would require a relationship, he only just was able to carry his head high again without that overwhelming depression, could he really cope with another person’s emotional well-being too? It was just a kiss though! He was a high-ranked ninja, he’d killed many in his time and completed many missions, and surely this one kiss couldn’t leave him too confused, too stunned? It was ridiculous to think that one sudden action taken on a Chunin’s part could leave him in such a dreamlike state. Sighing Kakashi shook his head and made his way quietly downstairs to prepare for his mission.

 

It was a good job his enemies didn’t know about this apparent weakness . . . he’d be the laughing stock of all Shinobi . . .

 


	3. Chapter 3

# Chapter Three

 

How – how could Iruka do this to him?

 

It just didn’t make sense! At the very least he thought the other man was his friend, he thought he’d promised never to leave him and to always be there, in fact it was Iruka who’d saved him from suicide and been there everyday for him since to make sure of his safety, it was Iruka who’d pulled him back out of his depression and gave him hope of a decent future. So why – after they’d been through so much – had he suddenly just turned his back on him, walked away, left him as if they’d shared nothing, as if they weren’t friends, colleagues or comrades! He’d been away on mission for two weeks, away risking his life for his village, and Iruka -. Iruka couldn’t even be bothered to check on him, ask him how the mission went, see how he was. Iruka couldn’t even be bothered to explain just what the hell had happened before he’d left, he couldn’t even give Kakashi a chance to explain himself back . . .

 

What was he supposed to feel? It’d been so long since he’d grown close to anyone, so long since he’d opened his heart and bared his soul that this felt unreal, like watching it happen to somebody else. He wasn’t sure whether to be angry or devastated, hurt or annoyed. It didn’t help that he felt so confused; his mind was all over the place in a way it’d never been before. Iruka had kissed him, not the other way around, so that had to mean the Chunin liked him, after all what else could it mean? If that was the case though then why had he acted so strange so after, why had he fled and not even wished Kakashi well on his mission, why hadn’t he spoken to Kakashi since he came back this morning? The kiss couldn’t have meant nothing, it was just so special and warm, the look on Iruka’s face as it happened and the way he moved against Kakashi, it wasn’t an act, it was real. He meant what he did. So he had to like the Jounin, maybe even love him, but if that was the case then why – why was he acting so distant? Why did it leave Kakashi heartbroken?

 

He should have expected this; he should have seen it coming. Everyone left him in the end, it was just the way it was, even the people who were supposed to love him the most ended up leaving, why would Iruka be any different?

 

Behind his mask he gave a sad smile. Why would Iruka be any different? Kakashi wasn’t exactly easy to love and his own father couldn’t stand to be with him, he’d rather choose death than be with his own son, rather slice open his own stomach than live with his own flesh and blood, that was how awful Kakashi was, wasn’t it? He knew more than anyone what it was like to feel such a deep depression and yet he still – no matter how much he tried – come close to understanding why Sakumo did what he did. The blood on the floor just as much now as there was then, the blood that seemed to pour forever, and Kakashi couldn’t stop it, he couldn’t stop him from leaving, just as he couldn’t stop Obito from leaving or Iruka now . . .

 

He didn’t deserve this, did he? All he’d ever done was try to be the best person he could. After Sakumo left he tried so hard to be the greatest Shinobi that lived and for a while thought he’d succeeded, but then – then he’d made the worst choice in his life and he’d paid for that mistake with his friend’s blood, because of him Obito had died in a way too painful for Kakashi to even want to comprehend. It was true everyone left him, he should have seen this coming, but for some reason he didn’t. It never occurred to him that Iruka could just turn his back on him! It was strange, all those people in the past he knew why they left – or he thought so – he could say how he’d pushed them away or perhaps why they hated him, but what had he done to Iruka? He’d always showed the Chunin nothing but affection and playful teasing, he’d grown to love him so much too, he’d sworn to never let anyone or anything hurt Iruka and yet the younger man had still left him, still gone! Why? What had Kakashi done that was so horrible, so bad that it could drive Iruka away?

 

Shaking his head Kakashi paused for a moment. Was he still pacing? It felt like he’d been pacing these corridors for hours, it was true he feet were already feeling sore from constant movement, but from the corner of his eye he could see the green vest of his team-mate, and if Gai was still here then he couldn’t have been pacing for that long. So why did it feel like an eternity? Why did each movement seem to drag on forever and a day?

 

He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t!

 

That kiss was special to him. Iruka had kissed him for a reason after all and it couldn’t have been anything but sincere; the way his cheeks blushed pink with uncertainty and embarrassment, the way his hands had gripped so tightly against Kakashi’s body as if scared to let go, the way his lips were so hesitant and yet certain . . . True he’d ever read about such kisses but he knew that wasn’t the kiss of a man that didn’t feel anything, it was the sort of kiss that meant something. So why had Iruka just walked away? Why hadn’t he come back? Why was he ignoring Kakashi as if the kiss had never happened? True he’d pushed Iruka away but that wasn’t because he hadn’t liked it! He was just shocked, confused, and he hadn’t expected Iruka to use – to put his –.

 

He sighed, he’d always found talking about such things aloud embarrassing but it was strange to find himself going red in the cheeks because he was thinking about them, but he liked Iruka a lot so perhaps it was natural to have such a reaction. Then again they were supposed to be close, supposed to be friends and colleagues, surely the Chunin would have known that Kakashi was rather shy concerning certain topics? Besides, wouldn’t any Shinobi of the Leaf Village have acted the same in his position? Perhaps that was why Iruka had been so upset, perhaps he’d believed that if someone could read such books religiously and watch such films so often then they’d be okay with just a kiss, he doubted very much the Chunin would believe how much Kakashi could blush just reading said books aloud, yet alone acting them out, yet he if Iruka didn’t know then he certainly wasn’t going to tell him. No, it’d perhaps be best to leave the Chunin in the dark on that one.

 

This was ridiculous! He was a Jounin, an elite Shinobi of the Leaf Village, he was no longer feeling as bad as he was those few weeks ago and he’d just succeeded a very dangerous mission, he could easily go into that mission room and demand an apology or at the very least an explanation! In fact compared to some of the more dangerous missions he had such a task should be a piece of cake! Yet, this was Iruka and the schoolteacher could be rather scary when he wanted to be . . .

 

“So what do you say Kakashi-san?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

He stopped pacing to turn his head to his side, Gai it seemed had been standing there patiently for some time now in his trademark pose with his thumbs-up, the grin he sported clearly shown he’d said something important but whatever it was . . . He felt rather guilty really, it was true his mental state was all over the place right now but Gai was his equal and his friend, he had no right to switch off and ignore what was being said like that.

 

Looking to his other side he could see straight into the mission room, where Anko seemed to be holding a meeting between Ibiki and some Anbu – much everyone else’s chagrin – and a few younger Shinobi were waiting to be given some new missions. The room seemed exceptionally bright today, the sun was beaming through the windowpanes brightly and casting white spots across the floor and seating, on the mission desk itself was an array of rainbows where the sun broke through glasses and vases. Everyone in the room seemed to glow with a soft tan, the floorboards squeaking occasionally with the heat and pressure upon them, and generally the room seemed filled with a life that was lacking when he was last here. The air was thick though and there seemed to be a faint smell of sweat that generally gathered when large groups of people collected in a small area, and of course sitting with a large smile at the end of the desk – ignoring all the bad for the good – was Iruka-sensei.

 

His eyes were closed as he laughed awkwardly at a joke told by one of the Jounin, scratching at his nose as he seemed to do when nervous, and at one point Kakashi was certain he heard his name mentioned when Iruka turned his head to the side and blushed, shuffling papers as if they were the most important thing in the world. He smiled at the sight, he remembered Iruka giving him that look sometime around the Chunin Exams and he had to wonder if perhaps Iruka had liked him then like he did now, that was – of course – if he actually did like Kakashi the way Kakashi liked him, after all if he couldn’t even bear to speak to him since the whole kiss incident then . . .

 

 “I’m sorry, Gai,” He replied innocent, tilting his head to the side and giving him an awkward glance, “Did you say something?”

 

“Damn it! Playing it cool again, huh Kakashi? Well you may have won this time but don’t think I’m beat yet, I’ll strike when you least expect it and my awesome charm will -!”

 

“Gai?”

 

Closing his eyes is exasperation he raised his hands in defeat, he knew well that if he didn’t stop his friend now they’d either be a rather long, nonsensical tirade or a very long sulk and either way he was too tired and frustrated to deal with it. Gai was the best friend anyone could ask for; kind, loyal, cheerful and intelligent he had all the qualities of a good man and excellent ninja, however there were times when his rather excitable personality could grate on the most patient of people, this was one of those times.

 

He didn’t mind so much that his friend was so happy today, in fact it was nice as always to see him in such a good state of mind, like many of their colleagues Gai deserved happiness and if he could find it in the simplest of things then Kakashi wasn’t going to deprive him of that, but when he felt so conflicted and angry inside, hurt and abandoned it hurt more to be surrounded with such joy. It was like – it was like he was missing out on something, like he was as abnormal as he felt for not being able to feel what his friend clearly felt, and it made him long for that feeling of contentment that was so hard for him to find . . . It wasn’t Gai’s fault of course that he brought out that sense of longing in him, that sense of emptiness and loneliness, but regardless it was there and it wasn’t helped by such loud exclamations of determination and excitement.

 

“Sorry Kakashi,” Gai said with such a toothy grin that Kakashi was forced to wince and hang his head in somewhat disbelief and exhaustion, how Gai could be so perky after a two-week, S-ranked mission was somewhat a mystery. “But you’re just pacing back and forth all scary like, half the mission room is just waiting – waiting for you to explode. If you like I could hand the report in instead?”

 

Pausing for a moment Kakashi glanced down at his hand that was clutching the mission report so tightly. He couldn’t see his knuckles through the gloves but he knew they were white from how tightly he held onto the paper. He’d waited all morning for Iruka to come visit him and when no one came he felt nothing but despair, he’d been left again and that hole inside of him was larger now than ever, mourning the loss of someone he should have known he never truly had. He wasn’t sure what compelled him to suddenly write the mission report or volunteer to hand it in, part of him felt it was just an excuse to see Iruka and get that final confirmation that he wasn’t wanted, but the other half – the strong half – felt like if he just saw Iruka, just spoke to him, then maybe he’d find himself mistaken. Maybe he was still wanted. Whatever the case he had to see the Chunin, he had to find out just what had happened between them, he had to know . . .

 

“No, I can do it, Gai.”

 

“Well if you say so, Kakashi.”

 

With a final gaze at the mission report he turned fast and made his way quickly into the mission room, at once he felt what seemed like twelve pairs of eyes on him. As a trained Shinobi he knew it was an over-exaggeration and that most of those who looked went back to what they were doing soon after, but Iruka’s eyes wouldn’t leave him and that alone made him feel as if the whole world was staring. He could see those brown eyes looking at him with a mixture of shock and horror, there was a dash of fear and the way his face blushed and his mouth parted with a tremble told all about what he felt. He couldn’t be sure what was going on in Iruka’s mind but he knew that he felt awkward, that Kakashi was the last person he wanted to see, that this was the last thing he wanted or expected to happen. He should have been devastated, should have been upset, but instead all he felt was angry, furious, cheated. Why couldn’t Iruka meet his gaze directly? What had he done?

 

Stopping inches before the desk he threw the mission report hard on the wooden surface, it landed so harshly that the sound of solid paper upon wood scattered throughout the room and shocked the occupants into silence, Iruka himself had to jump at the force. He was half-hurt that he’d scared Iruka with the movement but the other part half of him was pleased to finally garner the man’s attention, he deserved to hear the truth whether it was good or bad, he deserved to know just what he’d done wrong to push Iruka away and if that meant Iruka was gone for good . . . Sure it’d hurt, sure he couldn’t even imagine how he’d cope with that knowledge, but he deserved to know, he had every right in the world to know the truth and Iruka had no right to keep that from him.

 

It seemed though that Iruka – despite being face to face with the man he’d kissed – didn’t want to deal with him right now. He kept his eyes focused down upon those damn mission papers and scooped them up into his hands to read them, his brown eyes looking at the pages but not taking in the words, his pupils every now and again darting up nervously to glance Kakashi in the face. Why didn’t he say anything? Why couldn’t he ignore the report and just talk to Kakashi? Weren’t they friends anymore, didn’t that past month mean anything, wasn’t he worried about the past couple of weeks he was away on mission? He just wanted him to say something, anything! Here he was standing right before him, inches in front of him, and after sharing a kiss so sincere, loving, passionate and Iruka couldn’t say anything? It wasn’t fair. He didn’t deserve to be ignored like this, in this way!

 

“Your – your report’s early, Kakashi. It’s not like you . . .”

 

That – that was all he had to say? Didn’t he care at all? When he’d left he’d seemed so heartbroken, as if he truly misunderstood Kakashi’s reasons for pushing him away, as if he really cared, and yet the first thing he could do after seeing him for so long was comment on the mission report. It felt worse than any rejection he could handle. It was as if those past events were being completely ignored, as if they never occurred, as if the very act of being with Kakashi was forgettable in itself. It was painful to be spoken to like that, as if he was just any other Shinobi because – because Iruka had made him feel that, all this time, he was special, that he wasn’t just any other Shinobi, and he’d been a fool to believe it . . .

 

“You’re so well known for being late that no one will believe this,” Iruka gave a soft laugh as his eyes seemed to tear, he scratched his nose nervously before collecting the papers to his chest and turning to face away, “Well, thank you, I’ll be sure to file them right now.”

 

He made to move quickly away but the second he took his first step Kakashi shot his hand out and grabbed hold fast to Iruka’s wrist. The very movement had the schoolteacher stumbling backwards with his arm wrenched away from his chest, the gesture itself wasn’t hard or painful, in fact it was such a soft touch it was shocking more than frightening, as if Kakashi was merely seeking to ground himself and make sure Iruka was real and not the dream he appeared to be. The act though had him spilling his pile of papers onto the floor and the desk of the Chunin next to him, the place seemed a sea of reports and the white seemed almost painful to look at as the sun struck, the noise and rustling drawing the attention of everyone in the room and of Gai by the door. All Iruka could do was look with watering eyes at Kakashi in shock and uncertainty, the confusion on his face painfully clear even to the Jounin . . .

 

“Is that it, Iruka? Is that all your going to say?”

  
He watched as Iruka pulled back his wrist and sigh, this time he looked Kakashi dead in the eyes and frowned in that way that used to be cute but now – now just seemed so cold and pained, the expression hurting both of them at the same time, hurting Kakashi for seeing the only person he cared about in pain, and hurting Iruka for being the cause of that pain.

 

“What do you want me to say, Kakashi-san?”

 

“Anything!”

 

He was surprised how in control of his anger he was, he could feel his face redden and his eyes narrowing into a glare, it was all he could do not to lash out and strike out. The only thing that stopped him was that this was Iruka, his Iruka, and no matter how angry he was he never – never – wanted to hurt the only person who had showed him such warmth.

 

Iruka had made him feel human, normal, special, he’d made him feel a lot of things, but what mattered most wasn’t what he felt but the fact he could feel again. Even this anger, this pain at being mistreated was a welcome relief from that overwhelming pain from before, but the realisation that just one word from the Chunin could send him back to that very place terrified him. He never wanted to feel that way again and to think that his happiness and sanity depended upon Iruka was a frightening thought, Iruka was all he had and he depended on him, he couldn’t lose him, not now. Not when it was all starting to get better. Was – was this how the Chunin had felt when he’d tried to take his life, a sense that his own well-being depended on someone else’s? The heartbreaking pain that it could all be over any moment? If it was then perhaps this was justice, retribution of sorts, for making such a precious man feel that way to begin with.

 

“Iruka-sensei,” He said in something of a whispered shout, “When I left for my mission I didn’t expect to come back to this, I didn’t expect for you to ignore me, even before all this started you never used to ignore me like this.”

 

“It’s been a day, Kakashi! I don’t think that’s possibly enough time to ‘ignore’ someone, do you?”

 

With a frown Iruka dropped to the floor and began snatching up at the reports, they seemed to be everywhere and whilst it was cute how he had to crawl under the table to collect them all it made it hard to talk to him. Kakashi could only stand there with arms folded and a scowl, waiting for when Iruka would reappear to speak to him. It was a while before he stood up again and when he did he appeared to do a double take on seeing the Jounin, when their eyes met his own watered and his cheeks reddened and those papers in his hand were slammed firmly upon the desk. He snapped his head away to the side before attempting to gather up the few reports that had fallen amongst his colleague’s desk and work.

 

“Besides,” Iruka added with an almost broken voice, “You don’t even want to see me anyway, so why should it matter to you? You Jounin are all the same! You think someone dares to ignore you and that hurts your over inflated ego, so you march down here to see just how they dare ignore the great Jounin of the Leaf Village. Well if you don’t want to see me then why should I want to see you?”

 

“When did I say that I didn’t want to see you?”

 

“When you pushed me away! You wouldn’t have pushed me unless you were offended with what I did. The look on your face, Kakashi, it was one of pure shock! Admit it, you hated it and it’s no wonder you shoved me away like you did!”

 

He hated to admit to any embarrassment but he could feel his own cheeks burning. The whole mission room was staring at them, trying to work out just what was going on and why this argument was taking place, to feel eyes boring into him like he was nothing more than a piece of entertainment like a film or book was uncomfortable. This was something private, personal, something between just him and Iruka, yet everyone in the nearby vicinity was observing it like a story unfolding, waiting for the next sentence to see just what would occur. He was a private person by nature, perhaps why he’d gained such a reputation as a mystery man and why hardly anyone knew of his past or history, and the fact that his whole life and emotional state was on view was humiliating to him. It was like he was exposed to everyone in the room and it was a horrible feeling, it was also one that wouldn’t go away in the current situation, it was a conversation that he and Iruka had to have and if that meant feeling the gaze of so many people then it was a necessary cost.

 

“If I remember right, Iruka,” He said with such irritation that the other man actually flinched and looked to the side with an embarrassment of his own, “You were the one who kissed me, not the other way around. So perhaps you should stop shouting at me and let me explain myself.”

 

“What’s there to explain?”

 

“Perhaps why I pushed you away?”

 

The room was in silence now. It was so quiet that the noise of the Genin outside sounded loud enough to be coming from within the room itself, the eagles circling nearby delivering messages echoed around them as they cawed, and the heavy breaths of both he and Iruka in their anger and passion seemed almost audible to all. There was no doubt now – if there was any before – that they were the centres of attention. After a few minutes there came whispers, Anko making a comment on popcorn and someone whom he swore was taking bets, the whole room seemed alive with gossip and suddenly he was aware that this was the least appropriate place for a conversation of this nature. Yet he wouldn’t stop. He couldn’t let Iruka have the wrong idea, he loved the Chunin and he’d enjoyed the kiss, for him to think anything different was heartbreaking and wrong. He didn’t want Iruka to be in pain and he didn’t want him to blame himself when this was nothing more than a misinterpretation, most of all he didn’t want to lose Iruka . . . He couldn’t lose another person, not again.

 

With a quick movement he grabbed a hold of Iruka’s upper arms and pulled him forward across the table. The sudden action had him struggling for balance and forced him to take a hold of Kakashi’s arms in return, trying desperately not to fall over as he found himself leaning drastically across his desk he had no choice but to look up, to look deep into that brown eye. It was strange to be so close; his face was inches from Kakashi’s so that he felt the Jounin’s breath through his mask, his face pale as always and his eye half-closed with determination and fury. Whatever it was he wanted to say it was clear he wanted to be listened to, and what right had Iruka to deny that? Something must have shown in his face because suddenly Kakashi let go of him and he fell forward onto his hands, finding balance he stood straight again and nodded at his companion in acknowledgement, allowing him to find the words and speak whatever it was he felt compelled to say.

 

“Iruka, listen to me, I didn’t push you away when you deepened the kiss because I was disgusted -,” He saw the other open his mouth to speak and cut him off with a glare, “Listen to me! I pushed you away because I was shocked, nothing more! I’ve never been kissed like that before and I didn’t expect you to do something like that, you’ve never seemed to show any interest in me except as Naruto’s teacher and recently as a friend. I never expected you to do what you did!”

 

“What – what do you mean you’ve never been kissed like that before? And are you dense? I’ve been interested in you for ages! Surely you must have picked up some signals or signs!” It took him a while to digest what Iruka had said. He’d been interested in him for a while now? Perhaps it was good then that Iruka took some initiative else he would never have known or even dared to guess . . . “I can’t believe you, Kakashi! You mean I’ve been spending the last fortnight worrying over nothing? I thought you were disgusted with me!”

 

“If you hadn’t ran away perhaps you would have realised that I feel the same way about you too.” Rolling his eyes he shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, “My, my, what kind of Chunin runs away like that anyway? It’s no wonder Naruto struggles to keep up with Sasuke with that kind of role-model.”

 

“How dare you? I -!”

 

Smiling Kakashi watched as Iruka’s furious face softened and turned into a rather angry smile of his own, his eyes closed and his eyebrow twitched sharply yet he still blushed that beautiful shade of red and folded his arms across his chest as if he were protecting himself, it was a perfect mixture of anger and happiness that reminded Kakashi of just why Iruka was so perfect. He doubted anyone else in the world could pull off such an expression. It was like a sudden pressure had been taken off them both and the relief was intense, it was like finally being able to breathe again after so long being suffocated. He could smile and after a long moment so could Iruka, and the sight was breath taking.

 

Sighing Iruka shook his head and turned to Kakashi with a bright smile and well-lit features; he looked so youthful, peaceful, beautiful that it was enough to capture the attention of everyone in the room and hold them in awe, or at least it seemed that way to Kakashi. Everything Iruka did seemed to exude effortless grace, always appearing so natural and easy-going, if he could see that expression more often then he’d indeed be a lucky man.

 

“Can we go speak somewhere more private?”

 

“Sure,” Kakashi replied with his own sweet smile.

 

* * *

 

Iruka gasped loudly.

 

He could barely make out the sound of the apartment door slamming shut as he was thrown up against it, since they’d reached the apartment building it seemed they’d hardly been able to kept their hands off one another, the long moment it took to enter the apartment felt like forever but to feel those hands back on his skin was almost perfect. When he suggested they go somewhere private he’d simply meant away from Shinobi eyes, he hadn’t expected Kakashi to drag him to his apartment and begin with a barrage of kisses and touches, to have him blushing furiously and wondering just when they’d gone from talking to more than that. The whole process seemed to be moving so quickly – not that Iruka could complain – but it just seemed to be going so fast, perhaps too fast, and it left him light-headed and disorientated in pleasure.

 

At some point Kakashi had pulled down his mask and began marking his neck with kisses. All Iruka could do was groan loudly, his hands were pinned against the apartment door firmly above his head in one of Kakashi’s powerful hands, his chest was pushed forward flush against the Jounin’s and his head tilted instinctively to the side to give the other more access. He could feel his skin burning with need and desire as those soft lips pulled and teased at the smooth column of his neck, those sharp teeth biting and nibbling into his tanned flesh and that hot tongue easing the ache after that sent shivers of anticipation through his spine. They’d be a love-bite for sure right on that pressure point but he didn’t care, Kakashi could mark him all he wanted as long as it felt like that as he did it, it was such an amazing sensation that his previous lovers had never been able to do to him. It was an exquisite blend of pain and pleasure and he felt closer to the other than he imagined, pinned beneath him with his skin being bruised in the most blissful of ways by that talented mouth. His eyes closed as he hissed in pleasure, his fingernails digging into his palms as he tried to keep control over what he felt.

 

When that warm mouth moved away from him so abruptly he found himself almost crying in loss, but as his half-lidded eyes fully opened to see the dark orbs of Kakashi staring back at him he smiled and blinked away unshed tears.

 

The Jounin was so close he could feel the man’s breath on his lips, see the unbridled desire and lust that haunted those dark eyes that stood staring so intently only inches from his, he could see the faint flush to those cheeks and the hint of an almost nervousness. The beautiful red of the Sharingan seemed all the deeper with his passion and just as Iruka was growing lost in it the hand holding his slid down, it managed to snake its way over every muscle and stroke every inch of flesh through his uniform as he did so, with his other hand he ripped off his hitai-ite completely before using both to work quickly at Iruka’s own headband and vest. It seemed to take forever to remove them but as soon as Iruka felt the vest sliding from his shoulders and down his arms he smiled, and then thrust himself against his companion as the item of clothing dropped to the floor with a sharp thud.

 

He wrapped his arms completely around Kakashi’s neck before entwining his left hand in the Jounin’s silver locks and attacking his mouth with his own. There was no hesitation this time, only a desperate need and desire, he could taste something sweet on the other’s lips and feel the soft, warmth of them as they eagerly sought his own with clumsy yet gentle touches, and as Kakashi’s hands came around him to pull him into a hungry embrace Iruka lost all sense of self-control. He didn’t even feel it as his hair-tie was pulled from him, leaving his brown locks to flow freely around his face, instead all his felt was his body pushing against Kakashi’s and forcing them both to fall flat against the bed behind them. The sense of shock in the Jounin was obvious and caused Iruka to smile, he could feel the body beneath him tense wildly in shock before succumbing to the comfort of the soft sheets and warm body above him, and then slowly he opened his mouth to allow the kiss to deepen.

 

The kiss was all consuming and truly mind-blowing. He could feel Kakashi’s wary tongue probing his mouth as he coaxed it alive, feeling the rough surface playing against his own, the heat was so arousing and the uncertainty of the Jounin as he explored as if for the first time was completely endearing. There was the occasional clash of teeth and the smallest trail of saliva down the other’s face, but somehow it all made the moment more special and amazing, it wasn’t a perfect kiss but in a way that’s what made it so spectacular. It was real, it was passionate, it was an expression of the love they felt for one another, and Iruka couldn’t remember when he’d felt his hot and needy and desperate for more.

 

It was clear Kakashi was lost in the kiss as well. His hands were working their way up inside Iruka’s sweatshirt, feeling the cool muscles of his back and exploring with such intensity that it sent shivers down his body. He could feel those calloused fingers deeply working into his muscles, massaging him in a way and stroking him into arousal in another, the touches were more confident than the kiss but the more he mapped out Iruka’s body the deeper the kiss became, the more feeling as given and the more Iruka was moaning in a way that was totally unrestrained. He could feel beneath him the hard erection of Kakashi pushing its way into his thigh, and in return his own was growing so hard he could feel nothing but need laced with pain of desperation. He was panting in between kisses and unable to stand the overwhelming heat any longer he pulled off his sweater completely, leaving his chest completely naked to Kakashi’s eager eyes, before diving back down to consume that mouth once more. His hands came to undo the Jounin’s vest before pulling him up into a sitting position; the vest, sweater and masked undershirt all came off easily but each time he had to break his kiss he’d find himself groaning in frustration. Pushing Kakashi back down his returned to the passion from before, this time feeling the naked flesh against his.

 

He drew in a sharp intake of breath as the Jounin’s hands slowly and carefully lowered themselves down his back, they paused just at the waistband of his trousers as if waiting for permission, in response he lowered himself to lick at a hardening nipple and then in sudden shock Kakashi lowered his hands fully to grip at Iruka’s buttocks. He moaned in need as his felt his rear massaged, touched, groped and the pain at his crotch seemed to grow at the touch, he was so aroused it hurt, he could feel the throbbing in his member and the leaking head pushing hard against his clothing, he needed more, he needed Kakashi.

 

Smiling he realised just how much he loved the other. He’d desired him for so long, had such a crush on him, and he’d never once thought that the Jounin would see him this way or want him in return, to just be here in this moment was overwhelming, his heart felt full to bursting and all throughout him was this warmth and relaxing spread of contentment. He’d never felt this way before. This feeling of completion, that just being close to the other made him feel like he had worth, like he was special. He felt as if he could spend the whole night just cuddling by Kakashi’s side and still feel nothing but absolute happiness, he wanted to share the feeling and make the Jounin feel as loved and cared for as he did. No one had ever made him feel like this, not even Mizuki, and he loved Kakashi even more for giving this to him.

 

With a gentle kiss he rolled his tongue over the hardening nipple below him, the older man arched his back at the sensation and hissed, grabbing tighter onto Iruka’s behind and locking his eyes closed. With a sensual smirk he made sure to keep eye contact with Kakashi at all times, so that each time the Jounin opened his eyes he’d be sure to see those brown, lust-filled orbs staring back at him, then with a gentle bite he used his teeth to pull that dusty pink nipple into full hardness, relishing the throaty noises Kakashi grunted out as he did so. Pulling away he moved up to kiss his soon-to-be lover chastely on the lips and nuzzled affectionately against his neck.

 

“Do you think we’re moving too fast?”

 

Giving a loving smile he knew Iruka couldn’t see he kissed the top of the brown locks and nuzzled back, his hands trailing soft patterns up and down the length of his back, they stopped at his leg to pull it up to a position where he was able to work at the kunai holder, removing it efficiently as he managed to kick off his own boots in the process and – with a lot of skill – Iruka’s too. When the kunai holder was finally gone and both were left bare-feet he began to remove his own and returned to kissing that chocolate coloured hair.

 

“I think this is where in ‘Icha Icha Paradise’ they say ‘not fast enough’,” He whispered sensually, his hands returning to touch that smooth and perfectly toned skin that belonged to his lover. “Isn’t that right, Iruka?”

 

Stroking a long yet firm path along Iruka’s bare arm all the way to his palm, gently taking that hand in his he brought it to his mouth and – without taking his eyes away from Iruka’s – carefully brought those long digits to his lips before taking them inside him whole. It was just the first two fingers but the message was clear. His mouth felt so hot around them, swallowing them to the very knuckle so Iruka could feel a tightening at the tips each time his companion swallowed, that rough tongue sweeping along the fingers and in between them with a swirl and flare, before the cheeks hollowed and Kakashi moaned. It was all so hot and arousing that when the fingers were removed Iruka felt at a loss for words, unsure of what to do or say next.

 

“Ka – Kakashi, I mean it,” Iruka panted, licking his lips unconsciously as his hand came up to stroke softly at Kakashi’s bare, handsome face, “Is this too fast? We – we only just admitted our love after all,” He gave a nervous laugh and blushed furiously, “I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me, I’ve never done this so quickly before, and I really do love you, the last thing I want is just a one-night stand. So please, if this is too fast then just tell me.”

 

“Iruka,” He said, placing kisses along the other’s jawbone, “It’s moving a little fast but I want this. I’ve liked you for so long and I love you deeply, the past month you’ve been more than a friend to me and I don’t want to ever lose you. Don’t worry, I won’t regret this, but I’ve never done this before . . .”

                                                                                           

Looking down at that faint blush, closed eyes and nervous expression had Iruka’s heart melting and forced him to smile. He’d never before thought he’d see this side of Kakashi, this innocent and naïve side that was so different from the rough and tough exterior he often presented, it brought out a protective side in Iruka he hadn’t known he’d had and all he wanted to do was show the other how much he loved him. Placing a light kiss on the other’s lips he lowered his hand down to Kakashi’s trousers and undone them carefully, relishing the sound Kakashi made as he lifted his hips for Iruka to pull the garment and undergarments off, always making sure not to look away from that beautiful face. It felt strange to him as he pressed his body flush against the one beneath him, feeling the naked man in all his glory writhing against him, feeling that hard and aching member pushing up against him, it was the most erotic sight he’d seen and the sight of the Jounin blushing and panting with eyes half-closed nearly sent him over the edge.

 

Returning to kissing the man below he made quick work of his own trousers and underwear and threw them across the room. With a knee on either side of those delicious hips he allowed his body to hover above, making sure not to let his member touch with Kakashi’s so as to save that moment for last, looking down he licked his lips slowly and surely before giving a rather bashful grin to his lover.

 

“Well I hadn’t meant to top today but if that’s what you were expecting -.”

 

He yelped loudly in shock as he suddenly felt those large hands forcing their ways up on to his shoulders, then with a firm and forceful hold threw his body down with a move only a Jounin could fully master. Iruka was slightly dazed as he now lay on his back but the loud growl from Kakashi brought him back to his senses, when he opened his eyes he gasped as the bed dipped and the Jounin climbed over him on all fours, the look in those dark eyes above him was somewhere between menacing power and total adoration. It sent a thrill through Iruka to feel so completely dominated and submissive, to have those hands either side of his head and knees by each hip, to have that face inches from his as his body was laid out bare beneath Kakashi, completely vulnerable to whatever the other wanted. His arms were outstretched, his legs tilting to try and hide himself with some modesty, and he could do nothing but swallow hard at the feeling of utter arousal.

 

He held back a groan as he felt his pre-come pooling against his stomach, his aching member so hard and desperate to be touched that as he glanced down he could see it was already a fiery red and hard enough to be ready for anything, there was a faint silver glow along it from his natural lubrication and he swore he could see the thick vein on the underside thrumming with need. The whole thing would twitch when he’d realise how Kakashi was over him, completely in control with total power, and he found himself moaning loudly.

 

It was then that Kakashi lay he body flat against the teacher beneath him, so close their hearts seemed to beat against one another, and then – with a hard, forceful thrust – he ground his hard cock against the younger man’s. Both men threw back their heads in complete pleasure, Kakashi letting out a guttural cry as Iruka’s hands clenched tight into the green bedspread and cried loudly out. The feeling was electric, a hot rush of absolute pleasure as their aching members pushed and thrust against one another, pure ecstasy coursing into their veins as their bodies trembled with a hot need and desire. There was a thin sheen on sweat on Iruka’s body and as he looked up everything seemed blurry, he wasn’t sure he could hold out anymore if Kakashi carried on in such a manner.

 

“I never expected you to top,” Kakashi grunted, leaning down to bite and nibble against Iruka’s neck and running his fingers down his body to tease and tickle his hip bones, “What I mean is I’ve never done this before. In any way.”

 

“Really?”

 

“I spent my childhood grieving, my teenage years in Anbu and my adult years as a teacher. Believe it or not this is the first chance I had and the first person I’ve wanted to be with romantically or sexually. Now can we get down to business, hmm?”

 

Iruka made to protest but as that hot mouth began to work its way down his body he lost all his senses. He wanted to ask if this was okay, he’d never once thought of Kakashi as a virgin – far from it! – but when he explained it although briefly it made some sense, but that alone made Iruka feel somewhat guilty and honoured. It was beyond special and romantic, to know that he’d be Kakashi’s first, but at the same time it felt a great responsibility and not something to take lightly. He wanted to be sure the other wanted this, that he wouldn’t regret it, that this was okay, but all he could do was groan loudly as absolute pleasure coursed through him.

 

That hot tongue trailed slowly down the centre of his chest, with those warm lips leaving soft kisses on his skin as it went, he could feel those hands dip lower and lower until they reached his waist where the held lightly onto him, holding him down so that he could buck up each time a spike a pleasure struck him. He nearly cried when Kakashi attacked his nipples with his teeth, lips and tongue and coaxed them alive, and just as soon as that intimate kiss began he began to go lower once more, licking a long trail down his abdomen to that long line of brown hair that went to his groin. The kisses seemed to grow hotter, more furious, desperate, they seemed to want to taste every inch of him and drink up that glow his emitted and take him for their own. The way that muscle dipped into his bellybutton and licked along the crease between his crotch and thigh was deeply erotic, causing Iruka to almost scream in heavenly bliss. He couldn’t count the gentle nibbles or small bites and all he knew was that he wanted – no, needed – more.

 

Then – without warning – Kakashi swallowed him whole.

 

It was the most amazing feeling in the world. His hands instinctively shot down to Kakashi’s silver locks and wrapped their fingers amongst them, holding hard to ground himself and gain that sense of reality he so desperately needed. He was surprised how easily this came to the Jounin, he’d never done this before and yet he felt like a natural! The way his cheeks hollowed out so he could feel that soft, smooth, wet flesh encasing his cock, the way those lips didn’t quite cover the teeth so there was just the hint of pain to oppose that all encompassing pleasure, somehow Kakashi had managed to take him all the way to the base too so each time the Jounin swallowed he could feel the muscles of his mouth contracting around his head. God it felt good! It was amazing! A perfect mimicry of what he’d done earlier with his fingers, and then – then he his tongue came into play, Iruka gave out a half-scream and thrust hard upwards. He could feel that rough muscle stroking him slowly along the vein, tucking itself under his mushroom head and brushing around the rim and then – oh God – then he tipped it into the slit and licked the pre-come like a kitten lapping up milk.

 

Just as he thought he could take no more that mouth slowly left his aching penis, weeping openly as it longed for more, and as he looked down he could see the smug look of satisfaction on Kakashi’s face as he lifted Iruka’s legs high and lowered his head downwards . . . Iruka only had a vague idea of what was happening, no one had ever done such a thing to him and it never occurred to him Kakashi would be the first but then he felt that tongue return, licking at his hole and his mind screamed back to reality. His hands darting to the sheets to tear into them as his mouth opened in a silent scream.

 

He could feel that tongue inching its way inside him, tasting him in a place that he never dreamed of using in such a way, that rough muscle licking and rolling inside him as his own muscles clamped down instinctively on the intruder. It was a strange feeling, something both soft and firm that moved to his body and with it, something rough and hot that mapped each ring of muscle and made him throb and writhe and thrust downwards. It felt even stranger, even more electric, when slowly but surely he felt a long finger working its way deep inside him. That long digit followed the contours of his inner walls perfectly, working its way inside that passage lubricated with saliva and spit-filled kisses, he was starting to feel full and used in a way he hadn’t for so long, and then as that second finger worked its way in he felt the stretch. He could feel those digits and tongue scissoring him open, relaxing him and massaging his insides, he could feel each movement and then – and then – he could feel the pad of that index finger pressing against that spongy spot inside of him. He could do nothing more scream loudly in absolute bliss.

 

He could have killed Kakashi when he removed those digits and tongue and worked his way back up to Iruka, his face inches from his but his mouth curled into such a smile the other wanted nothing more than to kiss it right off his face.

 

“Where did a virgin learn to do that?”

 

“Books of course,” Kakashi said with a smile, “And I believe it gets better . . .”

 

Iruka opened his mouth to question him but the moment his mouth opened it was swallowed in a passionate kiss. He could feel that rough tongue battling with his own, feel the heat and desperation from Kakashi as he ran his hands over every part of the Chunin he could find, and in return Iruka did the same, unable to let go of the Jounin for even the slightest of seconds. He could feel a distinct pressure at his rear, something almost teasing as it coaxed his entrance open wide and yet refused to press in, he could feel the hot pressure and the waves of pleasure as he nerve endings felt that force but longed for more. Pulling back from the kiss he looked down to see Kakashi’s member waiting outside his hole, it seemed the rumours he’d heard about the older man’s size were true, he was as long as he was wide and it made Iruka gulp nervously to think that something so large would be inside him. Did Kakashi even know what he was doing? Was this going to hurt? He loved the other so much though and he wanted this, needed this, and he felt so hot and so good that right then he didn’t care what was going to happen just as long as it did happen.

 

Then – slowly – Kakashi pushed into him.

 

Iruka felt the stretch at once, that soft burning as muscles unused became pulled and taut under the strain of a large invader, he was grateful he’d been prepared well though as it wasn’t a pain so much as an ache, but it was still uncomfortable as Kakashi spent long, agonising moments sliding in inch by inch. To make it easier he wrapped his arms around the Jounin’s neck and gave him a wild kiss for self-distraction, his legs winding around that perfect waist as he relaxed his rear and pushed out which in turn made entering him even easier. With the flexing of his inner muscles and his new position it seemed Kakashi just slid in, he was now fully sheathed inside Iruka with his nest of pubic hairs tickling the Chunin’s entrance. The look of pure concentration upon Kakashi’s face was beautiful as he spent a long moment simply waiting for Iruka to adjust, holding his body perfectly still as his hands that held his weight clenched tight into the sheets below. His eyes were filled with complete lust, love and desire and when their eyes met and locked it was perhaps a moment more intimate and special than anything they’d shared so far. The smile on Kakashi’s lips as he mouthed ‘I love you’, the way his Sharingan spun as he lost his self-control, the way the sunlight from outside made his sweat-covered skin glow, they were all things Iruka swore he’d never forget as long as he lived.

 

Then Iruka could feel the man above him pulling back, the friction inside him sweet and sensual, the feeling of his inner walls closing behind that exiting member and then the feeling of them being forced open as it slid back in, the rhythm was clumsy at first but soon Kakashi seemed to find himself and thrust in and out in a slow but forceful manner that left Iruka swooning with a calm sense of pleasure. Each time he thrust up to meet the other he was greeted with the most primitive sounding grunts of delight, when he looked up at the moving face that looked back down on him he saw nothing but a fierce look of power, desire and enjoyment. It was impossible for Kakashi to look anymore handsome, erotic and arousing, his every expression and movement had Iruka driving his nails into the others back with sheer satisfaction. He was surprised how quiet the other man was in his lovemaking, how silent compared to Iruka who could do nothing but howl and moan like a whore. Their movements were speeding now, gaining movement and momentum, and he was unsure how much longer he could last. Then – shocking his system – he felt that press against his prostate.

 

The pleasure was so intense he could do nothing but scream and run his nails deeply down Kakashi’s back, he drove his body up so hard to meet the other he heard a long cry of enjoyment coarse through his partner’s mouth, and all through his body he felt alight and alive, complete and total torturous satisfaction. His veins were on fire, his skin hot to the touch, he vision blurred and the pleasure so wild that his very soul felt consumed by it. The thrusting was so hard and fast now that it was reaching its peak, over and over he felt that hammering against that part of him that was so rarely touched and the sheer ecstasy was too much, his member throbbed and ached and his heart pounded so fast in his chest it was sure to give out any second, and his hands could do nothing but claw against the Jounin above. It was too much, too good, too bloody fantastic! He was moaning over and over with each sound broken by each thrust, he could barely stand it any longer and it was all so electrifying, so when Kakashi’s warm hand touched his cock it’d barely been there for more than two seconds when he exploded into utmost bliss.

 

His body tightened instantly as if in a vice, his nails driving so hard into the Jounin’s skin he swore he could feel blood, his voice exploded into a scream as he used his legs to pull Kakashi deeper into him for his final moments. His inner walls clasped so tight around Kakashi that he became silent and tense above him, until Iruka felt a hot rush inside him and a dampness around his rear that wasn’t there before, signalling that his lover had came hard too. He could feel his own member twitching with a life of its own, so hard in its pumping that the relief became an almost pain, he could feel the hot ropes of come shooting up as far as his chin and face and it seemed to never end. This utmost relief, this desperate ecstasy better than any drug, it never seemed to stop and then his body became weak and he found himself collapsing flat on the bed, his body sated and the familiar after-glow overcoming him but with a much higher intensity than he’d ever felt before. He couldn’t open his eyes, he could barely breathe except in erratic pants, and yet this was the most amazing feeling he’d ever felt. It’d been beyond amazing, beyond words, it’d been perfect.

 

He winced when Kakashi slid out of him and groaned feeling the absence of the thing that brought him such joys, but as soon as he realised it was over he felt Kakashi listing him up into his arms and heard the rustling of sheets before feeling the cool white sheet of the bed beneath him, then the green bedspread came over them both, encompassing them in a warm cocoon and feeling like bliss on his heated skin. Smiling he moved over awkwardly to Kakashi and nuzzled into him, breathing in that heady scent of sex and sweat, he could feel the Jounin’s arms come around him and one began to play with his long hair in a way that was so relaxing it was beginning to put him to sleep. When that soft, broken voice came he barely even heard it.

 

“Was that okay, Iruka? Did I hurt you at all?”

 

Blinking away the oncoming sleep and daze of relaxation he glanced up at Kakashi. The older Shinobi seemed caught somewhere between ecstatically happy and terrified in worry, it made Iruka smile to know that this man cared so much about him and at the same time he’d brought Kakashi a pleasure he’d never felt before. This was the man he loved and they’d shared such a special, perfect moment, one they’d be sure to re-enact many times in the future too. He loved Kakashi so much he thought for a long while he’d be able to do nothing but smile.

 

“That was perfect, Kakashi, that was honestly and truthfully the best I’ve ever had,” He frowned when he sure the smug smirk of satisfaction on his partner and raising of the silver eyebrow and mouth that looked like it was caught close to a laugh, closing his eyes Iruka growled and nuzzled his head deep into his lover’s neck, “Damn it, even now you’re as cocky as ever. How was it for you?”

 

“Perfect,” Kakashi answered, placing soft kisses on Iruka’s brown hair, “You can tell you’re experienced with talent like that.”

 

“What -!”

 

“I’m just joking!” Kakashi laughed.

 

He carried on laughing albeit quieter when Iruka punched him hard in the chest then rolled over, he took half the blanket with him and curled up into an adorable, angry ball with a huff of frustration. In return Kakashi curled his body up against his Chunin’s and kissed that neck of his passionately, before nuzzling into it the way Iruka had done just moments ago.

 

“Sorry Iruka, I couldn’t resist teasing you. It really was perfect though, I’d never imagined it’d be so good and it was ten times better than what I could do to myself,” He smiled as he sure Iruka blushing, he looked truly adorable. “It was the most incredible experience of my life and I love you so much, Iruka, I never want to lose you. I want you to know that I’ll never leave you too, I love you.”

 

Sighing Iruka turned his head around to give Kakashi a chaste kiss, “I love you too, Kakashi, forever and always.”

 

Unable to stay angry at his lover he let out a deep breath and turned over, pulling the bedspread with him so he could wrap Kakashi in it also, leaving them both enclosed under its warmth. Wrapping his arms around his lover he felt the other do the same so that they were locked together sharing that beautiful afterglow, the feel of those muscular arms around him made him feel safe and secure in a way that no one else had ever managed to give him, the feel of that warm breath on his head made him feel loved like he’d never had before. He never wanted to leave this embrace. It was too perfect, too relaxing, he never wanted to let go of Kakashi, and he wanted to stay like this forever, just locked with him in a special, private place that only the two of them would ever share. This was the man he loved.

 

“Iruka?”

 

“Hmm?” He said, falling into a deep and contented sleep.

 

“Don’t tell Gai but that mission report I handed in was from the mission before last, I think it’s only about a month overdue but it means that I still owe this mission report, it wasn’t early after all,” Kakashi said with a nervous laugh, “I just wanted an excuse to talk to you. You can wait a week or so for the real report, right, Iruka-sensei?”

 

“Kakashi?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Just shut up and let me sleep,” Iruka mumbled, “I swear I’ll kill you when I wake up, you unromantic, lazy-ass Shinobi, but for now I want to sleep.” Sighing he nuzzled into that shoulder and smiled despite himself, “Why the hell did I have to fall in love with you?”

 

With a soft laugh he kissed that beautiful head one last time, closing his own eyes to join Iruka in a well-deserved sleep, “I love you too, 'Ruka."


End file.
